New joke thread

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SPUDMASHER
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New joke thread

Post by SPUDMASHER »

Right, I tracked back a couple of pages and couldn't find a joke thread so I think I'll be okay starting a new one :lol:

Here goes...and this is for our Irish lot:-

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her ‘Stammerers Action’ group.

She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, ‘If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?’

The Englishman piped up, ‘B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham’, he said.

‘That’s no use, Trevor’ said the speech therapist, ‘Who’s next?’.

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, ‘P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley’.

‘That’s no better. There’ll be no wild sex for you either afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?’.

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, ‘London’.

‘That’s Brilliant, Paddy!’, said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy wild sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, ‘d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry’
[/i]

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SPUDMASHER
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Post by SPUDMASHER »

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’ He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

‘What are you going to do?’ the homeowner asks?

‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then, I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’ He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

‘What’s the shotgun for?’, asks the homeowner.

‘If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.’

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Mrs Gus (Doris)
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Post by Mrs Gus (Doris) »

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to relieve themselves. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Looking around, she was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'"

:lol:

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Mrs Gus (Doris)
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Post by Mrs Gus (Doris) »

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

:barscarf:

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Ted B
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Post by Ted B »

Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead. :lol:

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olgitgooner
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Post by olgitgooner »

What's the difference between an Essex Girl, and a supermarket trolley?

A supermarket trolley has a mind of it's own.

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dorset_gooner
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Post by dorset_gooner »

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retreiver :oops:

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olgitgooner
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Post by olgitgooner »

Like it, Dorset. :lol:

I'll be texting that one tomorrow.

donkeywinsthe derby
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Post by donkeywinsthe derby »

Went to Turkey last year and wanted to buy a carpet (natch).

So there I am in the market and I go over to one of the stalls and say:

"I want to buy a carpet"

The stall owner says:

"I've got some grapes"

Bemused, but not to be undone, I went to another stall in the market and said

"I want to buy a carpet"

And he said

"I've got some double cream"

Well, I didn't know what to think but I thought I'd try one last stall in the market. Again, I approached the stall owner and said:

"I want to buy a carpet"

And he said:

"How about some peach slices"

So I turned to my partner and said...wait for it...

"This is is a trifle bazaar" !! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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olgitgooner
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Post by olgitgooner »

FUCKING ACE!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Old one, though.

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I Hate Hleb
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Post by I Hate Hleb »

Important Zen teachings............


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just f*** off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you Fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the window screen.

13. Don't worry; its only kinky the first time.

14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our bums ... then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!! :oops: :roll: :banghead:

:lol: :wink:

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olgitgooner
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Post by olgitgooner »

Excellent stuff, IHH.

Where did you get those gems from?????

:D :barscarf:

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I Hate Hleb
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Post by I Hate Hleb »

I made them up!! 8) 8) :lol:

Nah, a mate sent them to me today in an e-mail. 8) :lol: :wink:

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Drone
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Post by Drone »

A police officer goes to work naked, the boss ask him why he came to work naked. The officer explained: I was at a club party, and during the time there a singer said all boys get naked, and after some mikes he said all girls get naked, than after a while the lights went off and he said everyone to work, so here i am, i kame to work.

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Drone
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NAMES

Post by Drone »

A Housewife had 9 kids and she got the 10 she said its enough and named him END, after a year she got another one and she named him POST SCRIPTUM.

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