LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

Some kids knocked on my door trick or treating,

I told them to fuck off with their American shit, they said "nothing wrong with American culture mister"

so I shot the fuckers.

[shu]

The toothbrush was invented in Norfolk.

Anywhere else, it would've been called a teethbrush.

Ha ha I am from Norwich

A young girl from Norwich wrote to an agony aunt in her local paper,

Dear Deidre I'm a 13 year old girl from Norwich and I'm still a virgin.

Do you think my brothers are gay?!

The neighbours got married (2nd marriage) , and i said did all of the guests get on and the boy replied yes ,well they would , they all know each other as they are cousins !!!! Not a joke but they are from Norwich ( my neighbours)

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Noah's diary :

Day 39. Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days..

I remember having to wait for the Littlewoods catalogue, sneakily smuggle it into the bathroom and find the lingerie section.

Nowadays, the internet makes it so much easier!

I just open up my browser and go to www.littlewoods.com.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I think I posted this some time back but hey.

They've published another week of Elizabeth Fritzl's diary.

Monday:- Stayed in, Dad came down and fucked me.

Tuesday:- Stayed in, Got fucked by Dad

Wednesday:- Stayed in, Dad fucked me doggy style

Thursday:- Stayed in, Dad spunked on my face

Friday:- Stayed in, Dad gave my arse a right pounding

Saturday:- Went to watch Tottenham Hotspur play.

Wish I'd fucking stayed in.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Jeremy Corbyn has just issued a statement saying the Labour party is not antisemitic and anyone that says it is should keep their big nose out.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Chinese Takeaway £24

Petrol to pick it up £2

Getting home and realising one of the useless twats have forgotten one of your containers

Riceless.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

B.B.C News :The Vatican is still against surrogate mothers.

Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Apparently there's a new sex position called parcel force.

You stay in all day and no-one comes

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me.

I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Due to the water shortage in Ireland, Dublin Swimming Baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering do I keep the letters.?