LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife?s birthday

Been there


Done that !

[DB10GOONER]

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.

[Midz]

[A11M11]

Four old east end pensioners are walking down a street in Mile End
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar ALL Drinks 10 pence."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old barman says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Scotch.
In no time the barman serves up four iced Scotch's
and says, "That's 10 pence each, please."
The four guys stare at the barman for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40p, finish their Scotch's, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Scotch's are produced, with the barman again saying, "That's 40p, please."
They pay their 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two Scotch's and haven't even spent a pound yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve 20 year old Scotch as good as this for 10p a shot?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Mile End," the barman says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £30 million and decided to open this place and pass on my fortunes to the local senior citizens.
Every drink costs 10p.
Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow!
That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip their Malts, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men ask the Barman, "What's up with them?"
The barman says, "They're retired Spurs supporters from the synagogue in Whitechapel.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Four old east end pensioners are walking down a street in Mile End
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar ALL Drinks 10 pence."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old barman says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Scotch.
In no time the barman serves up four iced Scotch's
and says, "That's 10 pence each, please."
The four guys stare at the barman for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40p, finish their Scotch's, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Scotch's are produced, with the barman again saying, "That's 40p, please."
They pay their 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two Scotch's and haven't even spent a pound yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve 20 year old Scotch as good as this for 10p a shot?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Mile End," the barman says, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £30 million and decided to open this place and pass on my fortunes to the local senior citizens.
Every drink costs 10p.
Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow!
That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip their Malts, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men ask the Barman, "What's up with them?"
The barman says, "They're retired Spurs supporters from the synagogue in Whitechapel.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.

[OneBardGooner]

I didn't know where else to put this - Very Funny short clip (Real - source BBC)...


https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-65295704



The funniest thing is he "Cowers" behind a fuckin' cushion!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I didn't know where else to put this - Very Funny short clip (Real - source BBC)...


https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-65295704



The funniest thing is he "Cowers" behind a fuckin' cushion!

I travelled round America for three months after finishing college and came across a black bear in Yellowstone Park, it was still snowing and had just come out of hibernation.

It had crossed a road in front of me and was laying on a day bed made of leaves etc, so I got out the car walked over quite close, set up a tripod to take pictures, my girlfriend was shouting you're too close, I'm replying, it's fine it's docile.

Then took some photos, it stood up and growled and I have never taken pictures so fast then running at world record breaking speed carrying my kit while my girlfriend was screaming don't look back's its gaining on you

Jumped in the car and my girlfriend was pissing herself laughing, looked over at the bear and it was still stood in the same place

[DB10GOONER]

I didn't know where else to put this - Very Funny short clip (Real - source BBC)...


https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-65295704



The funniest thing is he "Cowers" behind a fuckin' cushion!

I travelled round America for three months after finishing college and came across a black bear in Yellowstone Park, it was still snowing and had just come out of hibernation.

It had crossed a road in front of me and was laying on a day bed made of leaves etc, so I got out the car walked over quite close, set up a tripod to take pictures, my girlfriend was shouting you're too close, I'm replying, it's fine it's docile.

Then took some photos, it stood up and growled and I have never taken pictures so fast then running at world record breaking speed carrying my kit while my girlfriend was screaming don't look back's its gaining on you

Jumped in the car and my girlfriend was pissing herself laughing, looked over at the bear and it was still stood in the same place

[OneBardGooner]

I didn't know where else to put this - Very Funny short clip (Real - source BBC)...


https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-65295704



The funniest thing is he "Cowers" behind a fuckin' cushion!

I travelled round America for three months after finishing college and came across a black bear in Yellowstone Park, it was still snowing and had just come out of hibernation.

It had crossed a road in front of me and was laying on a day bed made of leaves etc, so I got out the car walked over quite close, set up a tripod to take pictures, my girlfriend was shouting you're too close, I'm replying, it's fine it's docile.

Then took some photos, it stood up and growled and I have never taken pictures so fast then running at world record breaking speed carrying my kit while my girlfriend was screaming don't look back's its gaining on you

Jumped in the car with my pants full to brimming with the smelly stuff and my girlfriend was pissing herself laughing, looked over at the bear and it was still stood in the same place

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I didn't know where else to put this - Very Funny short clip (Real - source BBC)...


https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-65295704



The funniest thing is he "Cowers" behind a fuckin' cushion!

I travelled round America for three months after finishing college and came across a black bear in Yellowstone Park, it was still snowing and had just come out of hibernation.

It had crossed a road in front of me and was laying on a day bed made of leaves etc, so I got out the car walked over quite close, set up a tripod to take pictures, my girlfriend was shouting you're too close, I'm replying, it's fine it's docile.

Then took some photos, it stood up and growled and I have never taken pictures so fast then running at world record breaking speed carrying my kit while my girlfriend was screaming don't look back's its gaining on you

Jumped in the car with my pants full to brimming with the smelly stuff and my girlfriend was pissing herself laughing, looked over at the bear and it was still stood in the same place

Yes that's very accurate

When they talk about bears they say if its black fight back, if its brown lay down, yeah sure, I'm just hoping if I'm with someone else I'm faster than them

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead.

It's good practice for what's coming next

[OneBardGooner]

If you're ever attacked by a bear, simply lie down and play dead.

It's good practice for what's coming next

[TeeCee]

In South Korea they've brought out a new meat free snack, it's called "Not Poodle'

[OneBardGooner]

Over there even the Vegans eat Cats

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

In South Korea they've brought out a new meat free snack, it's called "Not Poodle'