LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

I recently sold a few copies of 'Osteopath Monthly', as I had some back issues.

Were the spines a bit worn Lefty!?


Sorry DB couldn't resist

[DB10GOONER]

I recently sold a few copies of 'Osteopath Monthly', as I had some back issues.

Were the spines a bit worn Lefty!?


Sorry DB couldn't resist

[Block93]

Bloke goes to the doctor in agony, whips his trousers off and there's a lettuce leaf sticking out of his rear end.

Doctor: 'You feeling pain anywhere else, apart from up near your arsehole?'

Bloke: 'I'll say so Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg'.

[OneBardGooner]

[DB10GOONER]

Bloke goes to the doctor in agony, whips his trousers off and there's a lettuce leaf sticking out of his rear end.

Doctor: 'You feeling pain anywhere else, apart from up near your arsehole?'

Bloke: 'I'll say so Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg'.

[Block93]

Judge to guilty defendant: 'Have you anything to say to this court before I pronounce sentence?'

Defendant (mumbling): 'Fuck all'

Judge to Clerk of Court: 'Clerk, what did the defendant say?'

Clerk of Court: 'He said 'fuck all', your Honour.'

Judge: 'That's most odd, I was sure he said something'.

[Midz]

Bloke goes to the doctor in agony, whips his trousers off and there's a lettuce leaf sticking out of his rear end.

Doctor: 'You feeling pain anywhere else, apart from up near your arsehole?'

Bloke: 'I'll say so Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg'.

very good

[OneBardGooner]

If you want to see real lips on a woman from Liverpool you're going to have to take off her knickers.

[Stuart L (2)]

I bumped into my ex wife the other day

She told me she missed me and that sex between us was never off the table

I thought, that a bit unhygienic

Then thought fuck it, It’s not my dining room any more

[DB10GOONER]

I bumped into my ex wife the other day

She told me she missed me and that sex between us was never off the table

I thought, that a bit unhygienic

Then thought fuck it, It’s not my dining room any more

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!

Me: 999, what's the emergency?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I asked my wife if I could fuck her up the arse.

She said, "Why on earth would you think I'd let you do that?"

I said, "Well, you take everything else the wrong way."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's so cold outside I saw a Romanian with her hand in her own pocket.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm half Irish and half Jewish.

I'm drinking if you're buying.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When people say "he's alright once you get to know him"

It actually means "he's a cunnt, but you'll get used to it"