LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.

"When it's time to eat," she said, "do I say 'Dinner is ready' or 'Dinner is served'?"

I said, "If it's anything like your usual cooking, just say 'Dinner is fucked'."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was taking my wife hunting with me and bought her the most adorable hunting outfit yesterday.

She thought the antlers on the hat were really cute.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

10 p.m Channel 4 - Living with my stalker.

Fucking hell, talk about leading someone on.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I stayed at the Ritz hotel in London & took a card from a phone box on Oxford St. offering "Sordid sex & other pleasures"
Back at the Hotel I rang the number.A lady with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of any help.

I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal & finish off with a tit *****. Is that OK?"

The lady replied, "Sounds like fun, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line.

[OneBardGooner]

All excellent Lefty, but this one had me in absolute stitches...


"I stayed at the Ritz hotel in London & took a card from a phone box on Oxford St. offering "Sordid sex & other pleasures"
Back at the Hotel I rang the number.A lady with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of any help.

I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal & finish off with a tit *****. Is that OK?"

The lady replied, "Sounds like fun, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line."

[DB10GOONER]

Wayne Rooney has revealed he's delighted to have smashed dry January.

January, 87, is recovering after undergoing emergency vaginal surgery.

Dirty Rooney. Dirty.

[Midz]

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

[OneBardGooner]

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

Yes, well we've all stayed at the Ritz...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Wayne Rooney has revealed he's delighted to have smashed dry January.

January, 87, is recovering after undergoing emergency vaginal surgery.

Dirty Rooney. Dirty.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

Had a similar experience in a premier inn, although it was a Romanian male receptionist who answered and he offered the same service for some scrap copper

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

All excellent Lefty, but this one had me in absolute stitches...


"I stayed at the Ritz hotel in London & took a card from a phone box on Oxford St. offering "Sordid sex & other pleasures"
Back at the Hotel I rang the number.A lady with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of any help.

I said "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal & finish off with a tit *****. Is that OK?"

The lady replied, "Sounds like fun, Sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line."

[OneBardGooner]

Lefty, the Ritz hotel had me in stitches.

Had a similar experience in a premier inn, although it was a Romanian male receptionist who answered and he offered the same service for some scrap copper

I was Lead to believe they aren't like that, but fair do's Lefty that's Comedy Gold.

[TeeCee]

What's made of Brass and sounds like Tom Jones?





Trombones

Thought I'd do a clean joke for a change!

[TeeCee]

As I started to unload my seriously full trolley at the till, I noticed a little old lady behind me holding only a pint of milk....

"Is that all you've got?" I asked. "Yes" she smiled.

"Well" I replied, "You'd better find another till, I'm going to be fucking ages!"

[OneBardGooner]

What's made of Brass and sounds like Tom Jones?





Trombones

Thought I'd do a clean joke for a change!

Brilliant! Love It...Mind you I am Welsh.