LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

I'm gonna remember that one next Xmas!

[OneBardGooner]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

OneBard and his Ewoks will be fuming when they read that one!

Oi! You're the one with the Lisp!

[OneBardGooner]

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.

Oi! Hold On Butty !!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The old man says "I'll have the soup"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Never have sex with a woman that can spell gonorrhea correctly the first time she tries.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".
So I started smiling.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

[OneBardGooner]

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".
So I started smiling.

Boom! Boom!

[OneBardGooner]

Never have sex with a woman that can spell gonorrhea correctly the first time she tries.

Oi! That's Not How It's Spelt!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines...

Seems a bit sexist.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two cavemen are talking, one says, "I'm going to teach my woman to speak."

The other one says, "What harm can it do."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Phones are so expensive nowadays when you fall and hear a crack you hope it’s just your leg.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

In the cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round.

3 hours later I saw the same men with the same coffin and i thought to myself "they've lost the fuckin plot"