LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So I've had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Some kids knocked on my door trick or treating,

I told them to fuck off with their American shit, they said "nothing wrong with American culture mister"

so I shot the fuckers.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When I was a kid my parents used to make me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Lonely hearts and.

"I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever.

"No fat birds."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and *word censored*?" young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a pussy son."
"Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?"
"NO son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the *word censored* up!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

The priests look at each other for a moment before replying, "We'll do it."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, "Did you see my face?"The hostage replies, "Yes."The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head.He turns to the next man. "And did you see my face?""No, but my wife did

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went to the doctors and said '' my hairs falling out, can you give me something to keep it in? '' he gave me a box.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"You're so childish" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows it