LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I came downstairs at 3 in the morning because I heard noises. I got down and saw a burgler shining a torch about.

I said to him "what do you think you're doing?"

He said "I'm looking for money, jewellery or anything expensive I can sell"

I said "well turn that light on and we'll both have a look"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles.
Take one pile and throw it in the bin.
This stops you employing anyone unlucky.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar - Demerara.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What they should really say on those cooking shows: "Hello and welcome to 'Pointless Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life'.
Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than your whole fucking house."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm not saying you should totally distrust the internet, but there's a huge discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won,
and the number of iPads i own

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.
I did that and I feel much better but I am wondering do I keep the letters.?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[DB10GOONER]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[gazzatt2]

No 4 approves

[OneBardGooner]

Too many to quote Lefty... But ALL Fucking "Brilliant!"... Thank-You.


*Don't you ever dare leave G2G!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Gotta love blondes

My girlfriend is blonde and she didn't get it and she's not even a natural blonde

I said that bleach has gone to her brain

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

No 4 approves

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Too many to quote Lefty... But ALL Fucking "Brilliant!"... Thank-You.


*Don't you ever dare leave G2G!

I'm not leaving mate, you 4 are stuck with me

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just bought a house with old period features.

She fucking hates it when I call her that.