This is from my best mate ec1gooner (paul weller)
Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop, talking centipede £5000, he buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30 minutes opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint. The centipede doesn't answer, raising his voice he repeats the question, still getting no reply, getting angry and thinking he's been done he shouts the question, at which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and says "I heard you the first time, I was putting my fucking shoes on"
Weekly joke thread - some may offend... hopefully...
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62235
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62235
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62235
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
SWLGooner wrote:
Good ones DB10.
Cockneys and Chinese
Cockney Dustman: Where's you bin, mate?
Chinese; I been on toiret
Dustman:No mate, where's you dust bin?
Chinese: I dust been on toiret
Dustman: NO mate, where's you WHEELY FUCKING BIN?
Chinese:
Ha! Classic there SWL.
Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."
in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."
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SWLGooner
- Posts: 10483
- Joined: Sun Dec 09, 2007 5:58 pm
- Location: Islington Town Hall, applauding the fourth place trophy.
Chippy wrote:Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
"Hey Pepe", says the first man.
"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down
in a hail of bullets.
"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath,
his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush."
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solwaysharks
- Posts: 89
- Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 10:27 am
8th October 2008: EVENING STANDARD (AP) –
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
A man is in the waiting room waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor walks in and tells him,you have a baby boy but he was born without a torso,arms or legs,he´s just a head!
But the dad loves him as a normal son and when he reached 18 the dad takes him to the pub for his first pint.
the dad orders the strongest lager available and with the regulars looking on and the landlord shaking his head he takes his first sip.
WHOOOSH next thing a torso pops out and the bar goes into raptures,and his dad says take another drink son.
WHOOOSH two arms pop out,again the bar is rocking.
son finish your drink,finish your drink the dad says,so the boy finishes his drink and---
WHOOOSH a pair of legs pop out and completes his body,the bar is in uproar and the dad is in tears.
The boy a little tipsy stands up staggers to the left then the right through the front door onto the road gets hit by a bus and dies instantly.
The bar falls silent, the dad is crying like mad but the landlord stands and says.
wait for it
he should have quit while he was a head!!!!!!
_________________
But the dad loves him as a normal son and when he reached 18 the dad takes him to the pub for his first pint.
the dad orders the strongest lager available and with the regulars looking on and the landlord shaking his head he takes his first sip.
WHOOOSH next thing a torso pops out and the bar goes into raptures,and his dad says take another drink son.
WHOOOSH two arms pop out,again the bar is rocking.
son finish your drink,finish your drink the dad says,so the boy finishes his drink and---
WHOOOSH a pair of legs pop out and completes his body,the bar is in uproar and the dad is in tears.
The boy a little tipsy stands up staggers to the left then the right through the front door onto the road gets hit by a bus and dies instantly.
The bar falls silent, the dad is crying like mad but the landlord stands and says.
wait for it
he should have quit while he was a head!!!!!!
_________________
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Exiled in Cornwall
- Posts: 542
- Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2008 2:05 pm
- Location: Cornwall via Essex
I heard that his dad said "What do you want for your birthday, Eddie?" to which he replied "anything, dad, as long as its not another hat"corkbarry wrote:A man is in the waiting room waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor walks in and tells him,you have a baby boy but he was born without a torso,arms or legs,he´s just a head!
But the dad loves him as a normal son and when he reached 18 the dad takes him to the pub for his first pint.
the dad orders the strongest lager available and with the regulars looking on and the landlord shaking his head he takes his first sip.
WHOOOSH next thing a torso pops out and the bar goes into raptures,and his dad says take another drink son.
WHOOOSH two arms pop out,again the bar is rocking.
son finish your drink,finish your drink the dad says,so the boy finishes his drink and---
WHOOOSH a pair of legs pop out and completes his body,the bar is in uproar and the dad is in tears.
The boy a little tipsy stands up staggers to the left then the right through the front door onto the road gets hit by a bus and dies instantly.
The bar falls silent, the dad is crying like mad but the landlord stands and says.
wait for it
he should have quit while he was a head!!!!!!
_________________
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SPUDMASHER
- Posts: 10739
- Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:07 am
- Location: London Euston
- Contact:
On his last trip to England Rebel gooner was told by Corkbarry to look up his long lost brother Nealey. Nealey left the family home many years earlier and had never even written to them since leaving. Corkbarry wasn't sure of his whole address but knew he lived in somewhere in WC1. Given that Nealey was a bit peculiar looking someone was bound to know him.
After arriving at Stansted Rebel got the train to Liverpool Street where to his amazement he found a place just of the platform signed 'WC'. He looked inside and saw a row of 10 doors each numbered from 1 to 10.
Not believing his luck Rebel went to door number 1 and knocked. A small voice answered "yes?".
"Are you Nealey Dunne?" asked rebel.
"I am" came the reply, "but there isn't any paper!"
"Well at least that explains why you've never written to dad then, but you could have feckin telephoned".
After arriving at Stansted Rebel got the train to Liverpool Street where to his amazement he found a place just of the platform signed 'WC'. He looked inside and saw a row of 10 doors each numbered from 1 to 10.
Not believing his luck Rebel went to door number 1 and knocked. A small voice answered "yes?".
"Are you Nealey Dunne?" asked rebel.
"I am" came the reply, "but there isn't any paper!"
"Well at least that explains why you've never written to dad then, but you could have feckin telephoned".
SPUDMASHER wrote:On his last trip to England Rebel gooner was told by Corkbarry to look up his long lost brother Nealey. Nealey left the family home many years earlier and had never even written to them since leaving. Corkbarry wasn't sure of his whole address but knew he lived in somewhere in WC1. Given that Nealey was a bit peculiar looking someone was bound to know him.
After arriving at Stansted Rebel got the train to Liverpool Street where to his amazement he found a place just of the platform signed 'WC'. He looked inside and saw a row of 10 doors each numbered from 1 to 10.
Not believing his luck Rebel went to door number 1 and knocked. A small voice answered "yes?".
"Are you Nealey Dunne?" asked rebel.
"I am" came the reply, "but there isn't any paper!"
"Well at least that explains why you've never written to dad then, but you could have feckin telephoned".
HAHA! good one, Spuddy
Two teenage girls at school - 1's really posh & 1's a bit of a slapper. Teacher says to posh 1, "Can you give me a sentence using the word 'improper' " In her posh accent she replied " At the weekend my daddy was digging up potatoes. He was using a spade that was very improper. He should have used a fork." Teacher asks the same question to the slapper, who replied, "Last night my fella was shaggin me & when his balls were slapping against my arse I knew he was in proper!
SPUDMASHER wrote:On his last trip to England Rebel gooner was told by Corkbarry to look up his long lost brother Nealey. Nealey left the family home many years earlier and had never even written to them since leaving. Corkbarry wasn't sure of his whole address but knew he lived in somewhere in WC1. Given that Nealey was a bit peculiar looking someone was bound to know him.
After arriving at Stansted Rebel got the train to Liverpool Street where to his amazement he found a place just of the platform signed 'WC'. He looked inside and saw a row of 10 doors each numbered from 1 to 10.
Not believing his luck Rebel went to door number 1 and knocked. A small voice answered "yes?".
"Are you Nealey Dunne?" asked rebel.
"I am" came the reply, "but there isn't any paper!"
"Well at least that explains why you've never written to dad then, but you could have feckin telephoned".
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greatgooner
- Posts: 2050
- Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 5:06 pm
- Location: Hanging from a Noose
was the chinese bloke really ****?SWLGooner wrote:
Good ones DB10.
Cockneys and Chinese
Cockney Dustman: Where's you bin, mate?
Chinese; I been on toiret
Dustman:No mate, where's you dust bin?
Chinese: I dust been on toiret
Dustman: NO mate, where's you WHEELY FUCKING BIN?
Chinese:
There again no mention of a poowank
