New day new week new joke
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62152
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
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An oldie but a goldie;
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, ' It's certainly not a ship.'
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"?
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and Begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"?
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, ' It's certainly not a ship.'
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"?
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and Begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"?
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62152
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies," He responded.
"Oh. Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep - 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone…"
The bitches...
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies," He responded.
"Oh. Killed any?" She asked.
"Yep - 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone…"
The bitches...
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OneBardGooner
- Posts: 48102
- Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
- Location: Close To The Edge
Ayoung Mother to Be - goes to the quacks for her three month check up , and says to the doctor that seeing as this is her first time - can he tell her what will happen...for instance what position will she be in?...the doctor replies...well probably the position you gave birth in.....with a shocked look on her face she says! WHAT!!!? in the back of a mini-cab with my legs out the back window? 
Anyway....6 months later she duly gives birth and all goes well...except for one minor problem...the baby is born without any ears...the young mother is obviously devastated by this...and seems inconcolable...till her hubby arrives...and assures her that it doesn't matter - the baby is young and strong and healthy...and the Most Beautiful Baby in the World...this seems to cheer her up and so she stops crying and...while she is breast feeding the abby, her husband goes outside to warn everyone - not to mention the baby's lack of ears!! - so official visiting time starts her parents and in-laws all traipse in to see the young mother and the new arrival...they're all crowded around the baby...saying oh he look's like so and so and is handsome and beautiful etc etc...then suddenly the grandfather wakes up from his stupor and says ...yes he sure is handsome...and he 's got the most beautiful eyes.....but he's going to need to look after those eyes....at this everyone goes quiet.....and before anyone can say a word...the young mother asks...why? and the old man pipes up...
Well he won't be able to wear glasses will he !!!!
Anyway....6 months later she duly gives birth and all goes well...except for one minor problem...the baby is born without any ears...the young mother is obviously devastated by this...and seems inconcolable...till her hubby arrives...and assures her that it doesn't matter - the baby is young and strong and healthy...and the Most Beautiful Baby in the World...this seems to cheer her up and so she stops crying and...while she is breast feeding the abby, her husband goes outside to warn everyone - not to mention the baby's lack of ears!! - so official visiting time starts her parents and in-laws all traipse in to see the young mother and the new arrival...they're all crowded around the baby...saying oh he look's like so and so and is handsome and beautiful etc etc...then suddenly the grandfather wakes up from his stupor and says ...yes he sure is handsome...and he 's got the most beautiful eyes.....but he's going to need to look after those eyes....at this everyone goes quiet.....and before anyone can say a word...the young mother asks...why? and the old man pipes up...
Well he won't be able to wear glasses will he !!!!
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franksav63
- Posts: 14520
- Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 2:07 pm
- Location: Home - Whitechapel - Arsenal Block 6 - Twitter - @franksav63
- Contact:
Contact lenses or laser treatment would be the order of the day for this baby then?OneBardGooner wrote:Ayoung Mother to Be - goes to the quacks for her three month check up , and says to the doctor that seeing as this is her first time - can he tell her what will happen...for instance what position will she be in?...the doctor replies...well probably the position you gave birth in.....with a shocked look on her face she says! WHAT!!!? in the back of a mini-cab with my legs out the back window?
Anyway....6 months later she duly gives birth and all goes well...except for one minor problem...the baby is born without any ears...the young mother is obviously devastated by this...and seems inconcolable...till her hubby arrives...and assures her that it doesn't matter - the baby is young and strong and healthy...and the Most Beautiful Baby in the World...this seems to cheer her up and so she stops crying and...while she is breast feeding the abby, her husband goes outside to warn everyone - not to mention the baby's lack of ears!! - so official visiting time starts her parents and in-laws all traipse in to see the young mother and the new arrival...they're all crowded around the baby...saying oh he look's like so and so and is handsome and beautiful etc etc...then suddenly the grandfather wakes up from his stupor and says ...yes he sure is handsome...and he 's got the most beautiful eyes.....but he's going to need to look after those eyes....at this everyone goes quiet.....and before anyone can say a word...the young mother asks...why? and the old man pipes up...
Well he won't be able to wear glasses will he !!!!
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62152
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
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Reg Niseth
- Posts: 824
- Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 9:11 pm
- Location: At the bar
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Bergkamp-Genius
- Posts: 1774
- Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2008 8:19 pm
Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Rab, are sitting in the farmers' bar drinking beer. Tam turns to Rab and says, ' I'm tired o'gan through life athoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the school and sign up for some nicht classes.' Rab thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Tam goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Tam says. 'Wit's at?'
The Lecturer says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a strimmer?'
'Aye'
' Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden. '
Tam replies, 'At's true, I dae huv a Gairden.'
I'm not done,' the Lecturer says. 'Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Aye, I dae huv a hoose.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'I huv a femily.'
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'
'Man! Yer nae wrang!! I dae huv a wife!!'
'And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer.'
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Rab at the pub. He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
'Logic?' Rab says, 'wit's at?'
Tam says, 'I'll show ye. Dae ya huv a strimmer?'
'No.'
'Weel then, ye must be a poof.'
'Logic?' Tam says. 'Wit's at?'
The Lecturer says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a strimmer?'
'Aye'
' Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden. '
Tam replies, 'At's true, I dae huv a Gairden.'
I'm not done,' the Lecturer says. 'Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Aye, I dae huv a hoose.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'I huv a femily.'
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'
'Man! Yer nae wrang!! I dae huv a wife!!'
'And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer.'
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Rab at the pub. He tells Rab about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.
'Logic?' Rab says, 'wit's at?'
Tam says, 'I'll show ye. Dae ya huv a strimmer?'
'No.'
'Weel then, ye must be a poof.'
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franksav63
- Posts: 14520
- Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 2:07 pm
- Location: Home - Whitechapel - Arsenal Block 6 - Twitter - @franksav63
- Contact:
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has
missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and
buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half
an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their
house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair
and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out
of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother,
and the girl and tells them:-
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her
2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and
a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins,
they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really
sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained
silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder
and tells him, "You shag her again."
missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and
buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half
an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their
house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair
and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out
of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother,
and the girl and tells them:-
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her
2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and
a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins,
they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really
sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained
silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder
and tells him, "You shag her again."
