Joke time

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Thu May 27, 2010 1:19 pm

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife

is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a

headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get

paid Â£400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I

want to see how you live on Â£800 a year".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2

litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a

head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a

250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor

belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed

the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to

her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

Eboue-Why? · Post by **Eboue-Why?** » Thu May 27, 2010 1:53 pm

Lord Charles has taken the death of Ray Allen really badly. Apparently he hasn't said a word since he found out..

Swale_Gooner1985 · Post by **Swale_Gooner1985** » Thu May 27, 2010 1:55 pm

all little crackers!

Post by **brazilianGOONER** » Thu May 27, 2010 2:34 pm

fecking brilliant!

Post by **REB** » Thu May 27, 2010 4:48 pm

I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!" We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I dont find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit." I said "Im ever so sorry mate, did he drown?" "No" he said "he choked on a sock"

I went to a fortune teller last week. She studied my hand and said "you have been masturbating". I said "hey you are good. Can you tell me anything about my future??". She looked at my face and said, "you'll be doing it for a fucking long time!".

IrishJB · Post by **IrishJB** » Thu May 27, 2010 6:15 pm

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Rude...

Rude who?

Ruud Gu-llit was a player n a half - weren't e?

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Thu May 27, 2010 10:07 pm

IrishJB wrote:Knock knock...

Who's there?

Rude...

Rude who?

Ruud Gu-llit was a player n a half - weren't e?

Thats lost on me

marcengels · Post by **marcengels** » Thu May 27, 2010 10:25 pm

Postman wrote:
IrishJB wrote:Knock knock...

Who's there?

Rude...

Rude who?

Ruud Gu-llit was a player n a half - weren't e?

Thats lost on me

and you being a Postman an all

goonersid · Post by **goonersid** » Fri May 28, 2010 7:52 am

Those 3D televisions are so realistic, I fell asleep watching a liverpool game the other night, and when I woke up I'd been robbed.

Rosie_titters · Post by **Rosie_titters** » Fri May 28, 2010 9:28 am

my wife has been worried lately about my mood swings, so she went out and bought me a mood ring.

it's amazing when i am calm and relaxed the ring goes a nice shade of green...and when i am angry and pissed off it' leaves a nice red mark on her forehead

Only One Tony Adams · Fri May 28, 2010 10:51 am

Eboue-Why? wrote:Lord Charles has taken the death of Ray Allen really badly. Apparently he hasn't said a word since he found out..

.....

Goonanana · Post by **Goonanana** » Fri May 28, 2010 1:26 pm

Although i admit i had to google who they were to get the joke

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Fri May 28, 2010 1:31 pm

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stein lager.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Steinlager?"

Bloke replies, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came too I was fucking skint."

Barman says, "But 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Fri May 28, 2010 2:37 pm

That must be Wayno's favourite drink!!! :sodomite: :sodomite: :sodomite:

Gooner_Sam · Post by **Gooner_Sam** » Fri May 28, 2010 4:02 pm

The game against Liverpool has arrived and Arsene is signing Autographs,

A woman comes up up to him and says, will you sign my arm please?

Arsene:'Yes of course'

Another woman comes up to him and says 'will you sign my leg'

Arsene:'Yes of course'

Another woman comes over and says can you sign my boobs?

Arsene:Oooh la la, okay!

She then goes on to say, when you've finished, you can sign my pussy..

Arsene: Erm sorry madam, only Rafa signs the *word censored*..