A few jokes

[Charlie! Charlie!]

Little bloke sitting at the bar when a fella comes up to him and smacks him one and says:

"thats karate from Korea"

The little bloke dusts himself down and 5 minutes later the fella comes over and smacks him again and says:

"thats kung fu from Japan"

The little bloke gets up, walks out and comes back 30 minutes later and wallops the fella and knocks him out and says to the landlord:


"when that *word censored* wakes up tell him thats a shovel from B & Q."

[I Hate Hleb]

CHARLIE! CHARLIE!,

I'VE JUST PISSED MYSELF LAUGHING AT THAT ONE!! NICE ONE MATEY.

[REB]

two blondes go into the woods to chop down a xmas tree, after wandering around for hours in the freezing cold

one says

im choping down the next tree even if its decorated or not

[southampton gooner]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.'
She Retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on
public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
Justa tellin my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'

£5.00 says you're going to read this again

[stearmaster]

lol well done southampton, oh and i didnt read it twice, i read it 3 times so you o me a 5er

[Wayno]

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around
and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices,
and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The
priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to
which the priest says "no". He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a
shot father" . After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles
to get it into the boat.

The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of
that fucker! "
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is
called - a fucker!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the
bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big fucker"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called,and I
caught it. I caught this fucker!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for
dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother
Superior.

Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker!. Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight."

Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all
think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the fucker!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"

Mother Superior: "And I cooked the fucker!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a
huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a
spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what?

You *word censored* are alright."

[Wayno]

The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports. The
form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.
The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to
dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250
feet.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.

[Wayno]

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the
meal the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely
the housekeeper was.

Reading the young priest's mind, the elderly priest volunteered,'I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional.'

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and
said,'Father, ever since the young priest came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he
took it, do you?'

The priest said.'Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter just to be
sure.' So he sat down and wrote;'Dear Father, I'm not saying that you
did take a silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying that you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact ramins that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.'

Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read;' Dear Father, I'm not saying that you do sleep with
your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleepng in your own
bed you would have found the gravy ladle by now.'

[I Hate Hleb]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:





(It's a beauty)







(Wait for it)








(Get your best Chinese accent ready)








'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[thatgooner]

What do ya call an Ardvark in the mafia?
...
...
...
A very ARDvark

&

Whats ET short for?
...
...
...
Cos he's got little legss!!



There poor I kno, but its a case of simple things...

[Charlie! Charlie!]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:





(It's a beauty)







(Wait for it)








(Get your best Chinese accent ready)








'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

Blinding!

[Wayno]

Whats brown & sticky






















A stick

[jesper arnsbjerg]

Whats black and brown and looks good on Ashley Cole ?




A Rottweiler

[stearmaster]

the virgin joke
Body: virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

[Mrs Gus (Doris)]

JOKE....................CHELSKI WANKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!