Joke time

[Postman]

The Lone ranger and Tonto are riding along.
Tonto gets down and puts his ear to the floor.

Tonto - "Buffalo come"
Lone ranger - "how do you know? can you feel the vibrations?"
Tonto - "No, face sticky"

[merson_is_god]

That's great!

[Postman]

A visiting tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fuckin boat."

[DanielD]

I just realised what's the name of that annoying sound I hear whenever I watch the world cup..

My wife

(I don't really have one, but for the sake of the joke..)

[REB]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied

''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

[olgitgooner]

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that.

"Fine", I said, "I want to die when England win the World Cup".




The fairy said...."You crafty bastard!!"

[DB10GOONER]

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were out on the plains when 200 indians surrounded and attacked them. the LR turned to Tonto and said, "Looks like we've had it old friend."

Tonto replied, "What do you mean 'we', paleface."

[Postman]

An 80-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door,
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[DB10GOONER]

Not sure if this has been on here before but if it has it's worth a second airing!!

It is just before England v Germany at the World Cup second round game. Bastian Schweinsteiger goes into the German changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".

Schweinsteiger looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Schweinsteiger goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the German team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads ...

"Germany 1 - England 0 (Schweinsteiger 10minutes)".

He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Germany 1 (Schweinsteiger 10 minutes) - England 1(HesK*y 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he h as single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Schweinsteiger. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft; you got a draw against England, all by yourself.
And they only scored at the very, very end!"


"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[Eboue-Why?]

Dear Mr Moat,

It has come to my attention that John Terry has been shagging your missus whilst you were in prison.

Yours Sincerely
Wayne Bridge

[Gary06P]

You've got to admire Emile Heskey, does fuck all at the world cup, then comes home puts on a small white dress and wins Wimbledon!!!

[brazilianGOONER]

You've got to admire Emile Heskey, does fuck all at the world cup, then comes home puts on a small white dress and wins Wimbledon!!!

[DB10GOONER]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

[Nick Bendtners Ego]

Man goes to his doctor with Pele Problems .

Patient : " Doctor , Doctor , i suffer from awful Premature Ejaculation
Problems .

Doctor : "Jesus , that's a *word censored* "

Patient : " OOOOOOOHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh " whilst doubling up
and grabbing his crotch

[MegaGooner]

This joke honestly works in real life, hope it works here:




The Irish Research Council recently released their findings into research regarding female orgasms. Their findings showed that female orgasms could be classified into 4 categories namely, positive, negative, holy and fake.

For the positive orgasm, during the sex, the female involved will screamâ€