Joke time

MegaGooner · Post by **MegaGooner** » Thu Sep 23, 2010 12:21 pm

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good
morning you ugly prick." It's not yours is it?

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for
donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a
mouthful.

There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
Trycoxagain.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh,
She's Eleven."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a
moustache."

goonersid · Post by **goonersid** » Wed Oct 06, 2010 12:28 pm

A woman died today from diarrhoea, after having anal sex with six men in the back of a car.
A police spokesman said it was a "pretty shitty gang bang"

SWLGooner · Post by **SWLGooner** » Wed Oct 06, 2010 2:35 pm

goonersid wrote:A woman died today from diarrhoea, after having anal sex with six men in the back of a car.
A police spokesman said it was a "pretty shitty gang bang"

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:49 pm

On the news earlier I was watching all these Scousers marching in protest about the Liverpool FC buy out.
I thought, "Fuck me, how did all these people manage to get a day off work at such short notice to...?"

"Oh."

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:51 pm

From a bird in the office (with a sense of humour!!!!

);

FW: The Black bra..to my married friends ......and single
>
> The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
>
> I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
> One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
>
> We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
> Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
>
> Here's how it all went..
>
> My engaged friend:
> The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
> He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
> I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
>
> The mistress:
> Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
> Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
>
> Then I had to share my story:
> When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
> Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
> When he came in the door and saw me he said,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

OnlyGotOneSong · Post by **OnlyGotOneSong** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:52 pm

My girlfriend is like FIFA.

11

marcengels · Post by **marcengels** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:57 pm

OnlyGotOneSong wrote:My girlfriend is like FIFA.

11

paperclip · Post by **paperclip** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:08 pm

OnlyGotOneSong wrote:My girlfriend is like FIFA.

11

Fucking quality

goonersid · Post by **goonersid** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:15 pm

An elderly man lay on his death bed, just as he felt like he was taking his last breath. He notices the wonderful aroma of his wife baking his favourite scones.
With every sinew of his body aching, he dragged himself off his bed and into the kitchen. Just as his frail weak hand reached for one of the golden scones, he felt the rap of a wooden spoon on his boney knuckles.
As his wife barked "fuck off those are for the funeral"

olgitgooner · Post by **olgitgooner** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:20 pm

I'm gonna use that one, Sid.

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:03 pm

marcengels wrote:
OnlyGotOneSong wrote:My girlfriend is like FIFA.

11

Well easy, I assume?

storrmin571 · Post by **storrmin571** » Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:34 am

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?" Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you're a *word censored* too

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.

I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Sat Oct 09, 2010 12:53 pm

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a father who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the father and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The father simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the father asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The father nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the father again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The father nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the father...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:55 am

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by her family, when she suddenly realized she had
forgotten to purchase shoes for the day. She panicked.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward said "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

MegaGooner · Post by **MegaGooner** » Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:38 am

The preacherâ€™s wife is expecting their first baby so he asks the congregation for a raise. After much consideration and discussion they decide that every time the preacherâ€™s family expands so will his paycheck.
All goes well but after six children the congregation find the preacherâ€™s salary is becoming unaffordable so they hold another meeting to discuss the matter.
After many members have had their say about how much the clergymanâ€™s growing family is costing the church the preacher gets up to state his side of the case.
â€œRemember, children are a gift from God,â€