JOKE OF THE DAY

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:03 pm

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a
ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I
have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just
we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains
the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to
town.

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the
barman says to him "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck
that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and
everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me
a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman
says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job,
paying really good money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks
the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?

RaM · Post by **RaM** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:08 pm

Nice....

And another duck in a bar joke::

Duck walks into a bar...

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No. Sorry."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "Look, I've told you, I don't have any fuckin bread!"

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "If you ask me that again, I swear I'll nail your fuckin beak to this bar."

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

......

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:09 pm

THE TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN MY FACE AFTER THAT ONE!!!

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:11 pm

fucking brilliant

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:12 pm

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's the end of the queue!"

RaM · Post by **RaM** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:15 pm

Rilo II · Post by **Rilo II** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:22 pm

oh dear. 0 for 3 so far fellas, keep em coming though

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:23 pm

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:27 pm

Difference Between BSE & PMT?

One gets into the cow's brain and makes it mental....
The other is a farming problem!

I bet most of us can relate to that

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:30 pm

a tale with a moral

A young man, Paul, invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between>Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'.About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan you don't suppose she took it do you?''Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day .....NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

And thats me done

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:33 pm

Rilo II wrote:oh dear. 0 for 3 so far fellas, keep em coming though

The duck was class!!

I nearly pissed a lung out I laughed that hard...

Chunky The Gooner · Post by **Chunky The Gooner** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:55 pm

Quality duck jokes !

kiff · Post by **kiff** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:28 pm

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 22 stones.
He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the queer guy finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure", the big scouser replies - "Something about a job."

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:58 pm

SPUDMASHER wrote:a tale with a moral

A young man, Paul, invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between>Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates'.About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan you don't suppose she took it do you?''Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure' said Paul.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE Frying Pan BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day .....NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

And thats me done

PAY ATTENTION SPUDMASTER!!

IT WAS FUNNY, BUT IT'S A VARIATION ON A JOKE TOLD ON HERE A FEW WEEKS AGO. THAT ONE INVOLVED A PRIEST, BISHOP AND HIS MAID BUT HAD EXACTLY THE SAME STORY-LINE.

Post by **SPUDMASHER** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:59 pm

I'm so sorry