As we're unlikely to see terraces again at football, this is the virtual equivalent where you can chat to your hearts content about all football matters and, obviously, Arsenal in particular. This forum encourages all Gooners to visit and contribute so please keep it respectful, clean and topical.
storrmin571 wrote:Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?" Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you're a c**t too
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.
I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!
Went to tell this joke to a guy at work today before i could finish it he said to me stop i dont want to hear any jokes about afghanistan a cousin of mine was killed there a few years ago
storrmin571 wrote:Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?" Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you're a c**t too
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.
I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!
Went to tell this joke to a guy at work today before i could finish it he said to me stop i dont want to hear any jokes about afghanistan a cousin of mine was killed there a few years ago
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river. When he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown!
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just
passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is
held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch
that
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a
park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was
wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He
makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
storrmin571 wrote:Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?" Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you're a c**t too
I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head... so I shot her.
I picked a girl up in the pub last night, took her home but I felt drowsy and fell asleep on the couch... must have had her drink by mistake!
Went to tell this joke to a guy at work today before i could finish it he said to me stop i dont want to hear any jokes about afghanistan a cousin of mine was killed there a few years ago
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus, oul’ buddy," said the Irishman, "At my local in Dublin , Murphy’s Bar, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"That’s naaaathin’ geezer," said the Essex bloke, "back home in my favourite rub a dub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a Stella, then another, all the Stellas you like, mate. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the faaackin’ house!"
The Irishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Essex bloke swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you, pal?" asked the Irishman.
"Naaahh not me, personally, son," admitted the Essex bloke, "but it did happen to my sister quite a few times."
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
Their talk turns to their position in life,
and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the
French Riviera for two weeks,"
and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says,
"Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says,
"Well, to be perfectly honest with you,
we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions.
But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder
on my husband's erect penis."
The first woman looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.
We're not really going to the French Riviera.
We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says,
"Your honesty has shamed me.
To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes.
He bought me a Ford."
"Well," the third woman says,
"I also have a confession to make.
Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of tourists.
A woman was in a coma and had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said,
'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
Postman wrote:A woman was in a coma and had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said,
'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
