NEW JOKE THREAD

As we're unlikely to see terraces again at football, this is the virtual equivalent where you can chat to your hearts content about all football matters and, obviously, Arsenal in particular. This forum encourages all Gooners to visit and contribute so please keep it respectful, clean and topical.
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REB
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NEW JOKE THREAD

Post by REB »

The diary of Hermione Granger age 14

Wednesday : 10:30pm
Can't sleep & very bored.
All I have to keep myself occupied is this magic wand thing with its stupid bloody vibrating tip and.............. hold it a second !!

Thursday
Busy

Friday
Busy

Saturday
Busy


:lol:

I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ;)"

Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.

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goonersid
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Post by goonersid »

I think you'll need to do better than that to cheer us up today Reb, a titty thread perchance?

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REB
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Post by REB »

will do my best sid :wink:

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brazilianGOONER
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Post by brazilianGOONER »

REBEL GOONER wrote:will do my best sid :wink:
:barscarf: :barscarf: :barscarf: :barscarf:

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merson_is_god
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Post by merson_is_god »

OUR DEFENCE IS THE ONLY JOKE I CAN THINK OF!

M-50
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Re: NEW JOKE THREAD

Post by M-50 »

REBEL GOONER wrote:The diary of Hermione Granger age 14

Wednesday : 10:30pm
Can't sleep & very bored.
All I have to keep myself occupied is this magic wand thing with its stupid bloody vibrating tip and.............. hold it a second !!

Thursday
Busy

Friday
Busy

Saturday
Busy


:lol:

I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ;)"

Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.
arsenal related because :?:

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REB
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Location: meh

Re: NEW JOKE THREAD

Post by REB »

M-50 wrote:
REBEL GOONER wrote:The diary of Hermione Granger age 14

Wednesday : 10:30pm
Can't sleep & very bored.
All I have to keep myself occupied is this magic wand thing with its stupid bloody vibrating tip and.............. hold it a second !!

Thursday
Busy

Friday
Busy

Saturday
Busy


:lol:

I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ;)"

Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.
arsenal related because :?:

im a mod :wink:

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DB10GOONER
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Post by DB10GOONER »

Are there gonna be any actual jokes on this joke thread...? :lol:

enjibenji
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Post by enjibenji »

just been told my eye optician died this morning

asif eyecare

:oops:

enjibenji
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Post by enjibenji »

Q.what do you call a pigeon with one leg

A.feather mills

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Henry Norris 1913
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Post by Henry Norris 1913 »

Sorry mate, I've been asked to remove all of them - DB10GOONER
Last edited by Henry Norris 1913 on Tue Nov 23, 2010 11:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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treygoony
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Post by treygoony »

Henry Norris 1913 wrote:Sorry mate, I've been asked to remove all of them - DB10GOONER
Ah man they were brutal!!!!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

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goonersid
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Post by goonersid »

Newsflash!! An Indian builder has been killed in roof collapse during the construction of the stage for Lionel Ritchie. The site foreman said “the last thing I saw was Dan Singh on the ceiling.

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DB10GOONER
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Post by DB10GOONER »

treygoony wrote:
Henry Norris 1913 wrote:Sorry mate, I've been asked to remove all of them - DB10GOONER
Ah man they were brutal!!!!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
You've lost me there with your Engerlish yoof speak, mate! In Dublin "brutal" means "shit". What context is you using it in here, blud. Init. :-P :wink:

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Postman
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Post by Postman »

Tony and Renee were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'



Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'






Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Renee.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'




Tony glared at Renee and said, 'You and your fucking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

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