SOME RISQUE RIDDLES

[I Hate Hleb]

RISQUÉ RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q.What is the difference between ' ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.


Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare..

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

[TheOne2Smooth]

why do women fake orgasms?

because they think men give a fuck

[REB]

An Irish man, English man and a Scottish man are walking along a beach when they find a lamp. The Scot picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie. Seeing as how there is 3 of them the Genie gives them only 1 wish each.

The scot says ’ok, i want enough money to keep me happy for the rest of my life, so the Genie snaps his fingers and the Scots man has an unlimited bank balance.

The english man says, ’i’m sick of all the fucking bastards coming into my country and taking our women and jobs, i want you to put a big fuckin wall around England to no foreign bastards can ever enter England again, i’ll be happy to never enter England again, so long as i know it’s protected. So the Genie snaps his fingers and a wall 1000ft high and 250 ft thick springs up around the whole of England. Nothing can get in or out again.

The Irish man says to the Genie, are you sure that wall around England is strong and NOTHING can escape? The Genie replies, ’absolutely, nothing will escape’. So the Irish man replies ’ok then, fill the fuckin thing up with water’.

[Chunky The Gooner]

3 men lie dead in the morgue all with smiles on their faces. The coroner asks "why have they all got smiles on their faces?" The porter replies " the first one was French and he died shagging his mistress. The 2nd one was Scottish , He won the lottery and died pissed and happy. The 3rd one was Paddy , He was struck down by lightening !" " Thats not good why was he smiling?" said the coroner " He thought he was having his photo taken !"

[SPUDMASHER]

A suicide bomber arrives at the pearly gates to be greeted by a man with a white beard. " Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No" replies the man, "I'm St Peter, Mohammed is further up". "Fucking excellent" he thinks, "I knew Mohammed would be above him". After a short walk he sees another man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, I'm Jesus, Mohammed is further up". "This is brilliant" he thinks, "I knew Mohammed would be above him". After a much longer walk up the righteous path he encounters another man with a white beard and long flowing robes. "Are you Mohammed then?" He asks. "No" comes the reply, "I'm God, Is it Mohammed that you seek?" "Yes" replies the suicide bomber,"he is my inspiration". "Mohammed is upstairs" says God. "Iknew it" says the suicide bomber "the great one is even higher than the infidels God".

"Mohammed" shouts God "Leave cleaning my toilet for now, there's some disillusioned *word censored* out here wants to see you".

I probably told that a bit crap as I'm not very good at jokes but it did make me laugh when I heard it. Hope it doesn't offend anyone.

[Ted B]

those are well funny

where did you find them?

[SPUDMASHER]

Paddy was stopped by the Gamekeeper at the local big-wigs estate recently with two buckets full of salmon. He was leaving a part of the river well-known for its fishing.
The Gamekeeper asked Paddy, Do you have a licence to catch those fish?

To be sure, sir, replied Paddy. I ain't got no fishin' license, because I not here after fishing! These here are my pet fish.

Pet fish?

Oh yes! Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let dem swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the bucket here and I takes 'em home.

That's bullsh*it! Fish can't do that.

Paddy looked at the gamekeeper intently for a moment and then said, I swear it's the truth, Mr. Gamekeeper. I'll show ya. Sure and it really works.

O.K., said the gamekeeper. I've got to see this!

Paddy poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Warden said, Well?

Well, what? asked Paddy.

The gamekeeper asked: When are you going to call them back?

Call who back?

The FISH! yelled the gamekeeper.

What fish? asked Paddy.


____________________________
The Doctor said "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? " "Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure"

The salesman said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 30 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 30. A size 30 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[burns718]

why is a non alcoholic beer like licking out ur sister



it tastes the same but just aint rite

[Ted B]

[quote="burns718"]why is a non alcoholic beer like licking out ur sister



it tastes the same but just aint rite[/quote]


that is vile!

[Red Gunner]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone Brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.