LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[MutleyGooner]

My elderly parents asked if I could recommend somewhere nice and hot or their next trip, apparently Eastbourne Cremotorium wasn't quite the answer they were looking for.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's six inches long,brown smelly and you wouldn't want to find it in your daughters bedroom.....jimmy savilles cigar!!!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

McDonald's have announced their latest burger...... The McSaville Sandwich.....84 year old meat between 13 year old baps.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Teacher tells class make a sentence using the word dough. Little jane raises her hand "In Italy they make pizza using special dough".
"Very good" says teacher. Little mary raises her hand
"My brother makes dinosaurs out of . . . play dough".
"Excellent" says teacher. Little jake raises his hand . .
"Our mum says dad is a crap shag so she has to use a . .
dill dough"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

More scandal at the bbc, someones now said they saw rod hull fisting some young bird......

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When will these jimmy saville sex allegations ever end? Police are now saying jeremy beadle may have had a small hand in it!!!

[StuartL]

More BBC scandal as apparantly Tony Hart is now being investigated for interfering with Morph...

Police suspect he may be a playdohfile.

[goonersid]

Jimmy saville's headstone and flowers have been removed fron his grave, leaving just a hole and no bush, well thats how he would have wanted it.

[augie]

George Clooney is to star in a new film about jimmy saville's life - it's called "oh she's eleven"

[DB10GOONER]

George Clooney is to star in a new film about jimmy saville's life - it's called "oh she's eleven"

Quality.

[corkbarry]

Time for a proper joke

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him."Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"




"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[DB10GOONER]

Time for a proper joke

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him."Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"




"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

OneBard is Oirish??!!!

[Rugby Gooner]

Newcastle United have released their new home shirt,complete with the new sponsorship.
It,s £39.99,or 12 monthly payments of £127.43p

[flash gunner]

Newcastle United released their new home shirt,complete with the new sponsorship.
It,s £39.99,or 12 monthly payments of £127.43p