LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Our local Vicar called round to see me the other day.

"I'm hoping to see you at church this Sunday." He said.

"Nah" I replied "Church isn't for me Vic. In fact I believe that your one true god is just a man made idea that was created to allay our fear of death and religion is used to control the population. Also the power that's been given to the leaders of the church have been abused, leading to many abandoning the thought that there is any good left in mankind itself.......Saying that....I think the Missus will be going".

"Of course she'll be there" He replied "It's her funeral!".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Which is more important, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."

"I don't know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it."

That's when I pulled her chair away.

[skizz_b]

Which is more important, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

[MutleyGooner]

Cheers Mr Tops, I will do my upmost

Utmost, it's fucking utmost you inbred

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Cheers Mr Tops, I will do my upmost

Utmost, it's fucking utmost you inbred

Don't know what's funnier, me making that mistake or a MUTT calling me inbred

[MutleyGooner]

Cheers Mr Tops, I will do my upmost

Utmost, it's fucking utmost you inbred

Don't know what's funnier, me making that mistake or a MUTT calling me inbred

Inbred is a term of endearment

[Top Londoner]

Cheers Mr Tops, I will do my upmost

Utmost, it's fucking utmost you inbred

Don't know what's funnier, me making that mistake or a MUTT calling me inbred

Inbred is a term of endearment

You gits making me laff makes me forget that I gave up the fags, and still I don't have a sex life.

[augie]

Just lost the tie break question in my local pub quiz and the question was...... I was all over the telly in the 70's and 80's but have been completely irrelevent for the past 25 years. I am closely linked with music from the 1960's and famous for wearing tacky shiny shellsuits. I haved been in trouble with the police and despised by the whole country so who am I ? Apparently the answer isnt liverpool supporters

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox......

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I took a bird back to my house for sex last night.

Twenty seconds into it, my cock went floppy.

She looked at me and said, "You can do better than this, surely?"

"Of course I can," I said, "But you shouldn't put yourself down like that."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

We've got a stunning blonde started at our office and I heard rumours she wanted to give me one.

Unfortunately, it was out of ten.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have finally had it
This is the final straw
Every time I go on the computer to check my emails, my boyfriend comes from behind and fucks me against my will!

Honestly, it's as if he sldbn efiuj baws/ .d; .c.x .x/ .cvsfwt iuyhvdc y ksbecb

rdtg
fhgf
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