LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I fucked a fat chick in an elevator last night.

It was wrong on so many levels.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The police knocked on my door this evening.

"Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer.

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love."

"That's true," my wife shouted over, "but fuck knows where he was at five past!!!!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously 'What ya doin dad?' His father quickly replied,

'I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.'

To which Little Johnny replied 'What ya gonna do, fuck him?'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My missus caught me wanking.
She said, "If I'd known you were desperate, I would have given you sex."
I said, "If I was desperate, I would have asked!!!"

[Top Londoner]

Excellent jokes L F L G.

Are you Bob Monkhouse?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Excellent jokes L F L G.

Are you Bob Monkhouse?

isn't he dead
Now I'm no spring chicken ........but

[shu]

Top jokes , thanks

[MegaGooner]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, the lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Nice one mega



I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

"I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well........ I'm not!".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got stopped by a woman in the street today.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife had a job interview for a camera store the other day.

Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, and so she said "please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, You're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash..."

So I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mum told me she bought a rape alarm the other day...

I said, "Don't fucking flatter yourself!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.

Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.