LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend and I ended up having the mother of all breakups last night, the underlying message being that my "sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship".

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up, packed my things and right.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife caught me wanking whilst looking at a magic eye picture
I said 'it's not what it looks like!'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just seen footage of Suggs being fucked up the arse with a bottle of Vodka on Redtube.
Absolut fucking madness.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My uncle always boasts that he can pleasure himself for hours and hours.

I wish he wouldn't rub it in my face.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I walked into Travis Perkins at lunchtime yesterday and some old guy dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the fucker out.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff.
As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down".

So I started smiling.

[g88ner]

Note to self, when hiring a prostitute whilst on holiday in Amsterdam, never again ask her to "sit on my face" in a 'shilly dutch akshent'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.
I thought, "If anything, you're just making it worse."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I fucked a girl last night with OCD, and she insisted that we did everything alphabetically.

So, firstly we did Anal, then she gave me a Blowjob, then I played with her Clit, and then I went Deep.

When she yelled, 'STOP! You've missed out E!!'

I replied, 'I've Ejaculated, Finished, and now I'm Going Home...'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Incest.

Putting the relation into relationship.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I won £10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.

"Well, I'm going to book a holiday for one."

"Oh goody" she screamed excitedly, "I can't wait!"

Can't help thinking she's misunderstood what I said.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The other day I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a little rucksack, and I went up to the lake district. I walked for about five miles then I stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another five miles and stopped and had another flask........fucking hell, I'm rambling.

[Bradywasking]

Little Johnny was blinded in an accident when he was a toddler....his only wish in life was to be able to see. One night his Mummy was getting him ready for bed when she said to Johnny ," tonight is the night of the Good Fairy and if you wish for something it may come true. " Johnny was immediately excited and declared " Oh Mummy , I'm going yo wish to get my sight back" His Mum replied "I know you are, but you must wish really hard " So Johnny went to bed and wished and wished and wished, he prayed and prayed and prayed..eventually he fell asleep full of hope. The following morning he awoke and to his horror he was still blind..He screamed "Mummy Mummy I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true" His Mother laughing hysterically shouted to him " I know ..April Fool "

[Bradywasking]

Jimmy Savile's first experience of pedophilia was in the Top of The Pops studio when he introduced Cream to the Small Faces.

[DB10GOONER]

Jimmy Savile's first experience of pedophilia was in the Top of The Pops studio when he introduced Cream to the Small Faces.

Christ.