LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

What the fuck?

I mean, seriously... I mean, if that... er... If we... erm... no, I'm just gonna say it again.

What the fuck?

[flash gunner]

I've had funnier tooth aches

[Top Londoner]

I've had funnier tooth aches

It made me chuckle. I couldn't fit in the one with Fergie/Dalgleish in the Ghost film pottery scene.
Back page of the daily fail.

[flash gunner]

I've had funnier tooth aches

It made me chuckle. I couldn't fit in the one with Fergie/Dalgleish in the Ghost film pottery scene.
Back page of the daily fail.

Im only joking mate it was a bit strange but funny the fergie one sounds funny too

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Saw a prostitute throwing up last night.
I thought to myself... Heave, Ho!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I bumped into two prostitutes this evening. I couldn't help but notice one was in a wheelchair with both legs missing.

"Are you after anything?" asked the able bodied one.

"I might be," I replied, "How much are you charging?"

"50 quid," she smiled.

"50 quid !?" I cried, "I can't afford that, looks like it's me and you then," I said winking at her mate.

She said, "I don't think so, pal, I'm charging 50 too..."

I fucking hate the Paralympic spirit, making disabled people feel equal.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's the difference between Bob Geldof and a Prostitutes minge?

Only one of these cun.ts will make me open my wallet.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

During the second world war a group of Prostitutes from Leeds decided to put their money together and open a Chip Shop.



After a German bombing raid damaged a part of the shop one night a sign appeared on the window the next day which read "Owing to Hitler , the Chips will be littler".



The following night saw another part of the shop damaged due to a bomb, and the next day another note appeared which read "Owing to Himmler , the Fish will be Similar".



The next night saw intense bombing destroy the remainder of the shop , and the following day a note was spotted on the rubble which read "Owing to Goring , we've gone back to Whoring".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I hate having the nickname 'Window licker'.

Going to Amsterdam with no money was a bad idea.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The recent police child abuse operation is actually named after Jimmy Savile's time in a Dublin orphanage.

"Yew tree come upstairs with me," he'd say.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mate Kev is the biggest liar I know.

He just said, "Four blokes with baseball bats burst into my house last night while I was standing in the hallway with no top on."

"Really?" I said, "Absolutely shitting it I bet?"

He said, "Yeah, they were."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A policeman pulled me over on the motorway today.

"Hang on a minute," I said to my wife on the phone. "Yes, officer?"

He said, "You're talking on your mobile."

I said, "I know. I'm just telling my wife that I'm stuck in traffic and I may be home a few hours late."

"There is no traffic," he replied.

What a cu.nt, I was winking at him as well.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My son asked me why oysters are Aphrodisiacs.

"Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies."

"Ugh, is that what mum's is like?"

"You tell me," I replied, "you were the last one near it."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Bungee Jumping - The only time a fat bird will give you her correct weight.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The biggest problem with the Arthritis Society is that it's very cliquey.