LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face...

Chinda goodunpropa denies the charge.!

Fucking borderline but piss funny!

[DB10GOONER]

A Gypsy girl is about to get married. Her Mum says to her, "Emerald,you do realise that when you're married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"
Emerald replies, "Shut up Ma, how's the fuck is he gonna fit his Transit Van in the kitchen sink?"

Nearly pissed myself there!

[Postman]

My wife is pissed with me again!!!!

last night whilst she was asleep i slowly removed her
Tampon and replaced it with a party popper leaving the
string hanging out.....

that bitch has no sense of humour

[LDB]

[Rosie_titters]

Robin Van Persie, scored 29 goals this season, but he is still only the 4th best attacker in Manchester behind Stuart Hall, Ken Barlow and Kevin Webster

[Postman]

THE TOP 5 F*CKS OF ALL TIME.... (5). What the f*ck was that? - The mayor of Hiroshima, 1945. (4). You want WHAT! on the f*ckin ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566. (3). Aw c'mon honey, who the f*ck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1997. (2). I need this parade like i need a f*ckin hole in the head! - John F. Kennedy 1963. (1). We can break into the top fucking four this year.....Spurs fans 1994,1995,1996,1997,1998,1999,2000,2001,2002,2003,2004,2005,2006,2007,2008,2009,2010 2012 2013

[Dan_85]

[Postman]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.

[I Hate Hleb]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

[LDB]

Geordie in the middle east finds a street named after a famous Geordie legend

[Rosie_titters]

What do you call a chinaman with one foot?.

thai Wun Shue

[DB10GOONER]

Geordie in the middle east finds a street named after a famous Geordie legend

Are you sure he's a Geordie? His shirt is clearly on and he doesn't seem to weigh 25 stone...

[corkbarry]

I thought it was funny

[StuartL]

Do not read while eating or drinking you have been warned - a couple of absolute corkers in here.

http://sarcasticsarcasms.blogspot.co.uk ... y-had.html

I do so hope at least one or two of those were true.

[corkbarry]

Back in the swinging 60s, Michael Caine holds a massive party at his London gaff. The whole 60s London cool set is there; the Rolling Stones, Hendrix, Twiggy, Marianne Faithful, Bowie etc etc. Sitting on a couch in the corner is Jim Morrison strumming "Light My Fire" on his guitar.

Quite early on, Jim gets up to go, telling Michael Caine he's tired and off home to read a book. Caine say " the party's only just warming up, why don't you go upstairs with one of the girls?" to which Jim says "OK, but only if the rest of the band can come". Off they go up to a bedroom with a hot little thing in a mini skirt.

A bit later, Mick Jagger thinks to min self, "I wonder where Jim Morrison is" and wanders off to find him. A few minutes later, Michael Caine follows him, to find the girl on her knees giving Jagger a blow job. Caine grabs her by the hair slaps here about and sends her back downstairs yelling at her, "How many times do I have to tell you", .................wai t for it:













"You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off"