LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Frank Lampard arrived at City today and says he's settled in well, adding: "I recognise many of the fans from when they supported Chelsea".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm sure my mate Dave is having an affair with my wife.

He's been a miserable cun.t lately.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Failed another Job Interview today...

Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that I can effectively work as part of a team.

[DB10GOONER]

Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.

The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."

you can see the punchline coming from 15 miles away but it's still funny!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A study in Cosmopolitan magazine has found that obese men make better lovers, lasting an average of 48 minutes.

However, 46 of those minutes are spent looking for their cocks.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror.

I think that says alot.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a Scouse girl babysit for me once. Never again!

I said on my way out, "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen."

Bitch took the microwave.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Does anyone else switch on the telly in the middle of the night and wonder if deaf people ever sleep?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis... only smaller."

I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary... only fatter and less flexible."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.

"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I found one of my dads old porno videos today.

Did you know, back in the 70's they used to use pubic hair to censor out the genitals?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I want a fun funeral - so the invite is going to say 'Hawaiian themed'.
But, I'm only going to send that invite to one guest.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman.

No seriously, you're in the way.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."