LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.

Maybe it got married.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just saw a scouser wearing a high-vis vest and brand new steel toe capped boots,


Why would he steal workwear?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.

"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions.

"What's the quickest way to get to the town centre?" she asked.

"Swap seats with your husband." He said.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What do Manchester United and Richard the Third have in common?

They both got buried in Leicester.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Barcelona's Nou Camp has been seriously vandalised.

Spanish police have arrested a dyslexic Scotsman.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Et tu Brute!" I cried out, clutching my chest before slowly sinking to the ground.

I didn't get a penalty though. The referee thought I'd gone down a bit too theatrically.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?

Bravefart

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokesman said, 'For years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoovering'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I asked a pupil in my science class to name a light source earlier.

The thick fucker said 'diet mayo'.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've got 69 problems.

My girlfriend is a midget.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's a schet?

Something that Sean Connery doesn't give about the Scottish referendum from his house in the Bahamas.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Someone shouted at me today, "Are you a fucking prostitute?!"

"Yes" I replied, "What other kind is there?"