LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Me and my mates were busy robbing this CD store when the cops turned up.

Dave grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.
Steve grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.
Dan grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.
I was forced to take the rap.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife bought a tube of KY gel from the chemists and I thought after all these years she was finally going to let me do her up the arse.

I waited in bed in anticipation and all I can say is, it's a shit way of finding out your son is gay.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Read today that they are making jetpacks that would allow soldiers to run faster.

I imagine the French are ecstatic.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Katie Price has named her new baby Bunny.

I thought bunnies came out of a wizard's hat, not a wizard's sleeve?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Mel B giving singing advice on the X-Factor?

Bit rich considering the only talent to ever come out of her mouth is Eddie Murphy's cock.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

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[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's at least 27C outside and I was just walking through the park, when I noticed two guys giving a girl a good seeing to behind a bush.

I thought to myself, 'They must be roasting.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The last person to question my masculinity got a face-full of piping hot lavender tea.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Women complain about balancing a career and home life.

They want to try balancing a laptop during a *****!

[DB10GOONER]

My wife bought a tube of KY gel from the chemists and I thought after all these years she was finally going to let me do her up the arse.

I waited in bed in anticipation and all I can say is, it's a shit way of finding out your son is gay.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Women complain about balancing a career and home life.

They want to try balancing a laptop during a w.ank!

[Henry Norris 1913]

bump please

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.