LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[DB10GOONER]

Top work, Lefty.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife thinks I'm too nosey;

at least, that's what she wrote in her diary and texted to all her mates.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A bad workman blames his fools

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I bought a self-help tape the other day.

It was called "How to handle disappointment."

When I opened the box, it was empty.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Top work, Lefty.

Cheers mate, I'm back with the bad jokes

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.

My money's on Dave.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Every male's porn addiction starts with a quick ***** over the lingerie section in your mother's catalogue?

Ironic when it's Littlewoods.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms for the relationship.
Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for the shag!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had . xxx"

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend just said to me, "Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?"

I said, "Honey, I think that's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

[Top Londoner]

Mod grooming alert !!!!!!



--------------------------------------

Welcome back Lefty.



WENGER OUT

Thanks TL and DB

I will be posting jokes soon enough, flag at half today though as its 20 years today that my dear dad died and myself, some brothers and sisters are going to visit his grave and then drink ourselves silly in his memory

Tbh he loved a good laugh so I may post one or two.

And yes, as well as being a Gentleman, the best Dad any child could wish for he he was a gooner too

WENGER OUT

[corkbarry]

From now on, I believe in The Prophet Muhammad ...

I decided to go to the local Mosque in Liverpool for the first time, to see what it
was all about.

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly
repeated his mantra; "You will walk this day".

Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside -- and fuck me -- my car was gone!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

'Tampax Pearl: Outsmart mother nature'

Being born with a cock seems to have done the trick for me.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Did you hear that the guy who invented Vaseline is up for a Nobel Prize.
He's been entered in the category of best non-friction.