steady...LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Due to the water shortage in Ireland the Dublin Public swimming pool has announced it will be closing lanes 5 and 6 until further notice.
Joke time
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DB10GOONER
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- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
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olgitgooner
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- Location: Brexitland
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little Tony said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily
"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."
She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse darling."
Little Tony said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily
"Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."
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DB10GOONER
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- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first
day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A
gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule
here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me"
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam
room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is
greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the
key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few
hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get
an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A
gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule
here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me"
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.
He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam
room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is
greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the
key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few
hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get
an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
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LeftfootlegendGooner
- Posts: 10994
- Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm
yeah, it wasn't told by you in black and white was it?harryo63 wrote:DB10GOONER wrote:steady...LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:Due to the water shortage in Ireland the Dublin Public swimming pool has announced it will be closing lanes 5 and 6 until further notice.
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62228
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits
at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you
ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides
the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He
gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli
into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too…"
at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you
ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides
the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He
gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli
into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too…"
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62228
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
It's an oldie but a goldie (bit like Olgit... ) and not really a joke (bit unlike Spuddy... ) but i still like this tale;
In Ireland, like elsewhere in the world everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily for a small village a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the (only) hotel.
He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his butcher to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay off his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian comes back down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.
Although there were several transactions, there was no real income and everyone has cleared his/her debts.
) and not really a joke (bit unlike Spuddy... ) but i still like this tale; In Ireland, like elsewhere in the world everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily for a small village a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the (only) hotel.
He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his butcher to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay off his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian comes back down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.
Although there were several transactions, there was no real income and everyone has cleared his/her debts.
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DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62228
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
Paddy came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Paddy...'
Paddy was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.
Paddy was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Paddy the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Paddy.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Paddy did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Paddt was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell...
"PADDY, wake up. You shit the bed !"
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Paddy...'
Paddy was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.
Paddy was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Paddy the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Paddy.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Paddy did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Paddt was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell...
"PADDY, wake up. You shit the bed !"
Paddys woken up in the middle of the night yet again by the next door neighbours dog barking
"Right I've had enough of this" he says as he jumps out of bed
"Don't hurt the dog" Paddys wife cries as he storms out of the house
5 minutes later Paddy returns with a smug smile on his face
"What did you do" his wife asked sheepishly
"I put the dog in our garden, see how they like it"!!
"Right I've had enough of this" he says as he jumps out of bed
"Don't hurt the dog" Paddys wife cries as he storms out of the house
5 minutes later Paddy returns with a smug smile on his face
"What did you do" his wife asked sheepishly
"I put the dog in our garden, see how they like it"!!
