Joke time

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 2:45 pm

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old b******' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years !

augie · Post by **augie** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 3:00 pm

steven tyers · Post by **steven tyers** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 6:33 pm

as its the summer holidays and me being quite childish i decided to join in a water fight with 2 lads wearing spurs shirts.

i knew once my kettle had boiled there was only going to be one winner

corkbarry · Post by **corkbarry** » Wed Aug 19, 2009 6:50 pm

steven tyers wrote:as its the summer holidays and me being quite childish i decided to join in a water fight with 2 lads wearing spurs shirts.

i knew once my kettle had boiled there was only going to be one winner

Cruel but funny

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Wed Oct 07, 2009 9:52 am

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

Rang the doorbell didn't I?

olgitgooner · Post by **olgitgooner** » Wed Oct 07, 2009 7:47 pm

Good one, Post'y.

Probably very old joke. But bloody funny.

Post by **REB** » Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:06 pm

I was going down on my girlfriend the other night, when suddenly she stopped me and asked why I keep making "waka waka waka waka" noises as I eat her pussy?

Apparently she didn't find me pretending to be pacman as much as a turn on as I did?

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 7:32 am

REBEL GOONER wrote:I was going down on my girlfriend the other night, when suddenly she stopped me and asked why I keep making "waka waka waka waka" noises as I eat her pussy?

Apparently she didn't find me pretending to be pacman as much as a turn on as I did?

CraigPollard · Post by **CraigPollard** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 10:24 am

I bought a luminous condom. The missus said, "Go put it on, turn off the lights, and lay on the bed. I'll run in and jump on it." So I put it on the fucking bed post.

Post by **DB10GOONER** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 11:20 am

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day
finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was
and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to
The hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and
sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your
leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Fri Oct 09, 2009 9:57 am

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

Post by **Chippy** » Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:00 am

Best newspaper headline of all time????

http://www.popbitch.com/home/2009/10/05 ... pper-news/

LeftfootlegendGooner · Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:04 am

My wife just found out she was adopted.
She was devistated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?"

I took her in my ams and comforted her. After a while, still crying she kissed me and asked me to make love to her.

In hindsight taking her passionately from behind and, shouting "WHO'S YOUR FUCKING DADDY?!!" wasn't a good idea!!

LeftfootlegendGooner · Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:07 am

Due to the water shortage in Ireland the Dublin Public swimming pool has announced it will be closing lanes 5 and 6 until further notice.

digger · Post by **digger** » Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:23 am

How does Matt Lucas like his men?

Well hung

did you hear a woman with no legs won the world strawberry picking championships?
Jammy *word censored*!