LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife announced that she'd been sleeping with another man for the past five years.

"Another man?" I asked. "Who's the fucking first guy?!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The first rule of narcolepsy club is.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Trying to watch the football last week, my girlfriend was going on as usual about nothing. Despite ignoring her she nudged me hard in the side.

'So, which of my friends is your favourite?' she enquired.

Thinking about them I decided to go for her ugliest, fattest friend to try and win some brownie points.

Anyway.... guess who I'm now having a threesome with tonight!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Getting old is a terrible thing. This morning I went upstairs then forgot why, so I went back down to try and jog my memory.

That's when I shit myself!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man.

The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."

The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The doctor gave me two months to live, so I went straight home and shot my parents...

It would have broken their hearts to see me die before them.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife caught me wanking whilst looking at a magic eye picture
I said 'it's not what it looks like!'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.
I thought, "If anything, you're just making it worse."

[OneBardGooner]

I do have younger viewers on there, so I have to be mindful

True story, I've done quite a few wedding speeches over the years and can't help but put in some risky jokes (my family say I've torrettes because I don't have a filter ), the last speech was at my mums wedding a couple of years back where I gave her away (gladly btw ).

I invited my brothers and sisters round to my house the week before to jot down some notes for the speech, obviously I've inserted some jokes which at the time got approval because it was all adults in attendance at the wedding.

So, I'm at the top table with one of my brothers and sat a couple of seats away on the same table was my mums husbands granddaughter who we didn't know was attending.

So I've stood up, looked at my brother who was mouthing "no Charlie", I of course smiled at him and he bowed his head down and murmured "fuck sake"

I started off with, "hi, how old is your daughter" to the parents who replied "12".

I said "you might want to block her ears as there's some priest jokes in here that are relevant to her age"

In fairness I toned it down because his side of the family looked mortified while mine were pissing themselves laughing

All Excellent Lefty... you should do this for a living mate... That Parrot one had me literally

btw: Are you related to Jimmy Carr? If Not you should write for him...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Went dogging with the wife last night.

By the time she'd parked the car, everyone had fucked off!!