LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

In a recent online survey, 90% of men admitted to masturbating regularly.

The other 10% hit the wrong button with their left hand.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mate just said, "What's your favourite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in Tampax adverts."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says ' two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident'

The blonde starts sobbing "that's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!"

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, " how many is a Brazilian ? "

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker.

I say staff... but really it's just a big stick.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I do have younger viewers on there, so I have to be mindful

True story, I've done quite a few wedding speeches over the years and can't help but put in some risky jokes (my family say I've torrettes because I don't have a filter ), the last speech was at my mums wedding a couple of years back where I gave her away (gladly btw ).

I invited my brothers and sisters round to my house the week before to jot down some notes for the speech, obviously I've inserted some jokes which at the time got approval because it was all adults in attendance at the wedding.

So, I'm at the top table with one of my brothers and sat a couple of seats away on the same table was my mums husbands granddaughter who we didn't know was attending.

So I've stood up, looked at my brother who was mouthing "no Charlie", I of course smiled at him and he bowed his head down and murmured "fuck sake"

I started off with, "hi, how old is your daughter" to the parents who replied "12".

I said "you might want to block her ears as there's some priest jokes in here that are relevant to her age"

In fairness I toned it down because his side of the family looked mortified while mine were pissing themselves laughing

All Excellent Lefty... you should do this for a living mate... That Parrot one had me literally

btw: Are you related to Jimmy Carr? If Not you should write for him...

What, and lose my audience of four on here

[DB10GOONER]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Top work Lefty.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light-bulb? Seven.

One to screw in the light-bulb and six to start a 'survivors of darkness' movement

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.

At least she's honest.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just failed my theory test.
Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.