LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

Too many to quote Lefty... But ALL Fucking "Brilliant!"... Thank-You.


*Don't you ever dare leave G2G!

I'm not leaving mate, you 4 are stuck with me

[OneBardGooner]

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

... ...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least." I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Men. Examine your own prostate by simply wiping your arse with Aldi value toilet roll.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I told my doctor "I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs" The doctor had a look and said. "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?"
I said "Yes, why?"
He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says " as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account" the manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies " I have a job on a building site" the mother explains that they have builders working on land at the bottom of their garden and the builders have taken a shine to her daughter and let her turn the hose on and off and as she has been so helpful have given her a proper pay packet. " well that's wonderful says the bank manager it's so good to work hard and receive a pay packet, are you working next week?" " yes says the little girl if those *word censored* from Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'

She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, we're a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.'

Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'

But she was insistent on knowing, 'what is the problem?'

I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a dream I was swimming in a giant ocean of orange soda.
Turned out to be a Fanta sea.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop.
I don't know how you can sleep at night.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.

"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a hooker before we met, are you OK with that"

He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more

She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens

[DB10GOONER]

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says " as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account" the manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies " I have a job on a building site" the mother explains that they have builders working on land at the bottom of their garden and the builders have taken a shine to her daughter and let her turn the hose on and off and as she has been so helpful have given her a proper pay packet. " well that's wonderful says the bank manager it's so good to work hard and receive a pay packet, are you working next week?" " yes says the little girl if those *word censored* from Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time."

[OneBardGooner]

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'

She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, we're a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.'

Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'

But she was insistent on knowing, 'what is the problem?'

I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

.... But all Excellent Lefty!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's only my second day in prison, and I've already been brutally bummed in the showers three times.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not cut out to be a guard.