This week's joke thread...

[DB10GOONER]

And if any mod moves it I'll fuck them up. And not in a nice way either...


I'll start;

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the "pif". Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart "Bruuurp!"

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!' Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled the sound of a rabid dog vomitting "Blaaaaarrrrpppp!".

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she fucking shits on you!'

[12thGooner]

oldie but goodie.

[Newb_Russ]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

[DB10GOONER]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

Quality.

[DB10GOONER]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon



A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.



Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'


'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.' Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[SPUDMASHER]

Little Johnny hated acting but was given a small role in the school play. He only had two lines to say but rehearsed every night for a month to be sure to get it right in fear of facing a detention.
His first line was "Oh fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". On hearing this his adversary in love shoots the girl to which he says "Hark, a pistol shot" before seeing his love lay dead.

The big night came and Johhny was full of nerves. He looked at the audience from the wings which just made him feel even worse.
He entered stage left and said "O fair maiden I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap". The audience looked on aghast as the pistol sound was heard. Unpreturbed Johnny continued "Hark a shistol pot, erm..a postal shit, cowshit, bullshit, bollocks, I didn't want to be in the fuckin play in the first place".

[corkbarry]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he
had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down
on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must
put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable
manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you
do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'

[SPUDMASHER]

I could post what can only be described as the sickest joke I have ever heard. It is about as wrong as you can get. It is even worse than the one
"How do you know when your sister is on her period? Answer: Because your dads cock tastes of blood.

But I warn you in advance that I accept no responsibility for it whatsoever. So if you want to know I shall post it but not otherwise.

[Newb_Russ]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to Send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she Exclaimed: 'I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother'.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). 'Anything?' he asked. 'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised. 'Well then, just follow me', said the man as he Walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
'Come in and close the door' the man said. She did. He then said 'Now get on your knees.' She did. 'Now take down my zipper'. She did. 'Now go ahead .... Take it out....' he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered 'Well............ Go ahead'. The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it
And while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........








'Heelloooo. Mom, can you hear me?'

[corkbarry]

I could post what can only be described as the sickest joke I have ever heard. It is about as wrong as you can get. It is even worse than the one
"How do you know when your sister is on her period? Answer: Because your dads cock tastes of blood.

But I warn you in advance that I accept no responsibility for it whatsoever. So if you want to know I shall post it but not otherwise.
_________________
Jokes are supposed to make you laugh or giggle,even smile. Sick ones make me cringe

[g88ner]

Jokes are supposed to make you laugh or giggle,even smile. Sick ones make me cringe

But post it anyway, Spuddy!

[SPUDMASHER]

I'll pm it to you so as not to offend anyone else.

[12thGooner]

PM me then, please.

[tomkingsbury]

I'll pm it to you so as not to offend anyone else.

pm me the joke as well spuddy!!

[12thGooner]

Got it... Sick mate, not in that 'Sarf Landan' kinda way either.