Jokes

mcdowell42 · Post by **mcdowell42** » Sat Jul 09, 2011 11:29 pm

There were some Eco warriors protesting outside the local council offices. They all had their "Save The Ancient Woodland" posters and banners. So I decided to go down there and take the piss.

"Chop 'em all down, we need the logs!" I cried.

"Go away, you monster!" one of the hippies shouted.

"Seriously," I laughed, "you know they're going to do it so you're wasting your time. What are they building anyway, a motorway? An airport?"

"A mosque," he replied.

I've been protesting with them for three days now.

mcdowell42 · Post by **mcdowell42** » Sat Jul 09, 2011 11:32 pm

As I put my fork into the lamb, I was shocked at how much blood came out.

"This isn't cooked properly!" I shouted.

"Get the fuck off my land!" replied the farmer.

mcdowell42 · Post by **mcdowell42** » Sat Jul 09, 2011 11:43 pm

As I went to the bus stop, I saw a heavily pregnant woman there.

"When's it due?" I asked.

"Two weeks," she replied, with a lovely smile on her face.

"Well I might as well walk then..." I said

was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbour pipes up, "You can clean mine next!"

"Ha ha!" I laughed.

Jesus, it's bad enough I have to fuck his wife for him

mcdowell42 · Post by **mcdowell42** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:30 pm

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

mcdowell42 · Post by **mcdowell42** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:34 pm

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Rugby Gooner · Post by **Rugby Gooner** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:53 pm

Little 5 year old Daisy sees a group of workmen turn up nextdoor to build a new house.She takes an interest and starts to talk to them.The builders,with hearts of gold,adopt her as their site mascot.
After a week they present her with a pink hard hat with matching gloves,along with a wage packet containing Â£5."Goodness", her Mummy says,smiling,"Are you working there next week?"
Daisy replies,"I think so Mummy,providing those wankers at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks!"

marcengels · Post by **marcengels** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:53 pm

Even the jokes during pre-season are shit

The first joke - what in the slightest is funny about that one? Perhaps someone could tell me?

Or at least the website from where they came so I can avoid.

Rugby Gooner · Post by **Rugby Gooner** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:57 pm

marcengels wrote:Even the jokes during pre-season are shit

The first joke - what in the slightest is funny about that one? Perhaps someone could tell me?

Or at least the website from where they came so I can avoid.

I thought that mine was ok!!!

mcdowell42 · Post by **mcdowell42** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 7:00 pm

marcengels wrote:Even the jokes during pre-season are shit

The first joke - what in the slightest is funny about that one? Perhaps someone could tell me?

Or at least the website from where they came so I can avoid.

What makes you think they came from a website maybe i write jokes for a living

mcdowell42 · Post by **mcdowell42** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 7:05 pm

Especially for kingjayson

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the
pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a
female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

selsdon · Post by **selsdon** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 7:19 pm

Once again Paddy found himself in court for beating up his wife.

'Why do keep beating her Paddy?' asks the judge

'Weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork your honour'

nexum5me · Post by **nexum5me** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 7:21 pm

gather round, my favourite joke of all time:

why did the baker have brown fingers?

because he needed* a poo

(*kneaded)

Rosie_titters · Post by **Rosie_titters** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 8:01 pm

a couple were sitting on the sofa watching a romantic movie, when the wife says to the husband "Why don't you make love to me, like they do in the movies".

So the husband, got up shoved his cock down her throat, then turn't her over and shoved it up her ass, before pulling it out and cumming all over her tits.

The wife sat there in disbelief and a look of shocked, when the husband looked at her and said "Clearly, we don't watch the same movies"

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Sun Jul 10, 2011 8:55 pm

selsdon wrote:Once again Paddy found himself in court for beating up his wife.

'Why do keep beating her Paddy?' asks the judge

'Weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork your honour'

Brilliant.

Rugby Gooner · Post by **Rugby Gooner** » Mon Jul 11, 2011 10:46 am

Two Cannibals eating a clowm.One turns to the other and says,"Is it just me or does this taste funny?!!"