Jokes - about time we had a laugh!

[TeeCee]

A lot of doom and gloom lately, understandable! But here are a few jokes to hopefully make you smile:

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ? fuck it, soldier on!?

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn?t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald?s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you C*** !" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, ?Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.? ?That's a disgrace,? said the priest, ?especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.?

Call it a hunch but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

I caught a woman masturbating in the park last summer. Which was unusual, because I can't normally run very fast while masturbating.

Tesco have released a new cheese sauce to cover up the taste of the horse meat in their beef burgers, It will be called Mask a pony.

Spoke to my scouse friend the other day, he told me that he had been doing some late Xmas shopping for his kids and had got them a garden swing and a trampoline.
I asked him what website he had seen the trampoline and swing on, he said 'GoogleEarth'

I checked my Tesco Digestives for any traces of horsemeat, but I could only Seabiscuit.

The wife's got a pair of Union Flag knickers. I call them her Belfast pants. Every time I take them down there's a F*** ing protest.

My Mrs isn't talking to me again. Now its because I didn't open the car door for her. What can I say? I freaked out and swam to the surface.

A friend and I were just discussing theology, we chatted about all the different mythical beings such as Thor, Allah and God when he asked "So which mythical being is your favourite" I said "Those happy women you see on Tampax adverts".

the urge to sing "in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight " is just a whim away

Just ordered a burger from my local chippie. Lady behind the counter said "What do you want on it?"
I said "A fiver each way!"

New burger launch from European value supermarket its called "My Lidl pony burgers"

Just had one of those alcoholic burgers........it had Red Rum in it!

Checked the best before date on my Burgers in the Freezer…….. and they’re off!

[DB10GOONER]

Guess you didn't see the 8000 page joke thread in the Basement, huh? Lefty is going to fucking kill you.

[TheCook]

It's Afro Caribbean hair day at work tomorrow.

I'm dreading it.

[rodders999]

Guess you didn't see the 8000 page joke thread in the Basement, huh? Lefty is going to fcking kill you.

Agreed, jokes and minge - the very foundations upon which the basement was built.

[TeeCee]

yeah but who looks in the basement other than paedo Josef Fritzl types??!!

[rodders999]

yeah but who looks in the basement other than paedo Josef Fritzl types??!!

this not the best time to promote my new Gunner WAG's thread down there so

[Top Londoner]

yeah but who looks in the basement other than paedo Josef Fritzl types??!!

oi !!!!

[flash gunner]

My money is on mod Quartz moving/merging this thread and deleting by mistake

[DB10GOONER]

My money is on mod Quartz moving/merging this thread and deleting by mistake

Guaranteed. Junior mods...

[Top Londoner]

Bump for Lefty and Quartz.

[StuartL]

A lot of doom and gloom lately, understandable! But here are a few jokes to hopefully make you smile:

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, ? fuck it, soldier on!?

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn?t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald?s serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you C*** !" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, ?Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.? ?That's a disgrace,? said the priest, ?especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.?

Call it a hunch but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

I caught a woman masturbating in the park last summer. Which was unusual, because I can't normally run very fast while masturbating.

Tesco have released a new cheese sauce to cover up the taste of the horse meat in their beef burgers, It will be called Mask a pony.

Spoke to my scouse friend the other day, he told me that he had been doing some late Xmas shopping for his kids and had got them a garden swing and a trampoline.
I asked him what website he had seen the trampoline and swing on, he said 'GoogleEarth'

I checked my Tesco Digestives for any traces of horsemeat, but I could only Seabiscuit.

The wife's got a pair of Union Flag knickers. I call them her Belfast pants. Every time I take them down there's a F*** ing protest.

My Mrs isn't talking to me again. Now its because I didn't open the car door for her. What can I say? I freaked out and swam to the surface.

A friend and I were just discussing theology, we chatted about all the different mythical beings such as Thor, Allah and God when he asked "So which mythical being is your favourite" I said "Those happy women you see on Tampax adverts".

the urge to sing "in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight " is just a whim away

Just ordered a burger from my local chippie. Lady behind the counter said "What do you want on it?"
I said "A fiver each way!"

New burger launch from European value supermarket its called "My Lidl pony burgers"

Just had one of those alcoholic burgers........it had Red Rum in it!

Checked the best before date on my Burgers in the Freezer…….. and they’re off!

Very close to the truth for me that one - My wife promised to "make my life hell" and I asked if she was going to marry me again.

[StuartL]

[brazilianGOONER]

My money is on mod Quartz moving/merging this thread and deleting by mistake

[brazilianGOONER]

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn?t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald?s serves breakfast until 11:30.

A Catholic boy in confession says, ?Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.? ?That's a disgrace,? said the priest, ?especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.?

I caught a woman masturbating in the park last summer. Which was unusual, because I can't normally run very fast while masturbating.

some class ones in there mind

[goonersid]

A paedophile gang offering youngsters part time work clearing snow from pathways, has been foiled by police in the west midlands who became suspicious after noticing the names of the names of the men offering the work "Jimmy Shovel" and "Gary Gritter"