The Friday Joke Thread...
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says,"Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear,grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says,"Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear,grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!
Larry goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you.'
Larry replies: 'Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Larry, how is your hearing now?'
Larry says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!
Larry replies: 'Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, 'Larry, how is your hearing now?'
Larry says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella.' The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his kn-ob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella.' The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his kn-ob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'
With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'
Women's Institute National Conference
The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham , stood and said "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb" (the crowd cheered).
The second speaker from York , stood up and said "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well" (the crowd again cheered).
The third speaker from Newcastle, stood up and said "Afta last yee-ah's confrence aah went hyem and telt that lazy basstad of mine, Geordie, that ah was nee langa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was ganna hafta de them hisell" (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes) She continued....."Afta the forst day, I nevah saw nowt, afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit oota me left eye".
The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham , stood and said "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb" (the crowd cheered).
The second speaker from York , stood up and said "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well" (the crowd again cheered).
The third speaker from Newcastle, stood up and said "Afta last yee-ah's confrence aah went hyem and telt that lazy basstad of mine, Geordie, that ah was nee langa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was ganna hafta de them hisell" (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes) She continued....."Afta the forst day, I nevah saw nowt, afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit oota me left eye".
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
********************************
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get
paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I
want to see how you live on £800 a year".
*********************************
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a
250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor
belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed
the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
********************************
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get
paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I
want to see how you live on £800 a year".
*********************************
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a
head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a
250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor
belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed
the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a
Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, "says
grandpa."
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honour'!"
And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The
fucking Arab!"
Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a
Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, "says
grandpa."
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honour'!"
And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The
fucking Arab!"
An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Liverpool FC have arranged their end of season dinner for tonight if you fancy going. You’ll need to let them know your dinner choice. Menu :-
Starter
Sour Grapes
Main Course
Plaice (only 2nd or 3rd)
Pudding
A choice of Pennant, Lucas, Voronin, Arbeloa or Keane
Drinks are available – but no doubles or trebles.
Beer and lager but no Carling Prem.
Plenty of whines to choose from.
Payment – pound sterling, no Euro
Starter
Sour Grapes
Main Course
Plaice (only 2nd or 3rd)
Pudding
A choice of Pennant, Lucas, Voronin, Arbeloa or Keane
Drinks are available – but no doubles or trebles.
Beer and lager but no Carling Prem.
Plenty of whines to choose from.
Payment – pound sterling, no Euro
