Ah well. It's fucking funny though..pixie wrote:I don`t think you are old enough for that joke!SWLGooner wrote:PM me Spuddy too.
This week's joke thread...
-
12thGooner
- Posts: 2398
- Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:27 am
- Location: 103117114109111107104
Spud can you PM me too please. Really intrigued. 
I too get a load of stuff sent by a colleague here's the altest effort. Some old stuff in here but some funny.
Subject: that's when the fight started....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
> her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas
> station..... and that's when the fight started....
> ***********************************************************************
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
> for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
> $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at
> night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight
> started.
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
> apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
> asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
> looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
> have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
> said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
> experience at the Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
> might have gotten disability, too'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
> reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
> drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
> I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
> those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
> since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
> person could go on celebrating that long?'
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
> alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
> his car.
>
> You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
> little things just seem funny?
>
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
> 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
> one are you?'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
> reason, took my order first.
>
> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please.'
>
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad
> cow?'
>
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
I too get a load of stuff sent by a colleague here's the altest effort. Some old stuff in here but some funny.
Subject: that's when the fight started....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take
> her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas
> station..... and that's when the fight started....
> ***********************************************************************
> I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
> for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
> $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at
> night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight
> started.
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
> apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
> asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
> looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
> have to go home and come back later.
>
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
>
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
> said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
> me' and she processed my Social Security application.
>
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
> experience at the Social Security office.
>
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
> might have gotten disability, too'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
> reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
> drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
>
> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
> I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
> those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
> since.'
>
> 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
> person could go on celebrating that long?'
>
> And that's when the fight started....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
>
> I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
> alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
> his car.
>
> You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
> little things just seem funny?
>
> Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
> 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
>
> So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
> one are you?'
>
> And that's when the fight started.....
>
>
> ***********************************************************************
> I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
> reason, took my order first.
>
> 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
> please.'
>
> He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad
> cow?'
>
> 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
-
DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62178
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
-
Charlie! Charlie!
- Posts: 3680
- Joined: Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:22 pm
- Location: Mums the word
An american tourist is outside the vatican when the pope comes out to greet the public. In the front row he sees a tramp in dirty clothes and an old hat and shoes and watches as the pope bends down and takes the time to whisper into the tramps ear.
The crowd disperses and the american offers to buy the tramps clothes for 200 dollars and returns the following day early in the morning to await the papal greeting.
As the american sits patiently, the pope finally emerges and heads straight for the tramp as he had the previous day. He slowly leans down and whispers to the american:
"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday".
The crowd disperses and the american offers to buy the tramps clothes for 200 dollars and returns the following day early in the morning to await the papal greeting.
As the american sits patiently, the pope finally emerges and heads straight for the tramp as he had the previous day. He slowly leans down and whispers to the american:
"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday".
-
BRAZILLIANT 19
- Posts: 993
- Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:40 pm
- Location: Sunny Shropshire
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
>> so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
>> have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
>> their heart.
>>
>> FOR EXAMPLE:
>>
>> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
>> the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
>> like it, I just want you to hold me.'
>>
>> I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
>>
>> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
>> hear...
>>
>> 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
>> me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
>>
>> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
>> who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
>>
>> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
>>
>> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
>> with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
>> big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
>> on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
>> one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new
>> shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for
>> each outfit.'
>>
>> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
>> diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
>> thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
>> testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
>> even know how to play tennis.
>>
>> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
>> was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
>> Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
>> all
>> dear, let's go to the cashier.'
>>
>> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
>> feel like it.'
>>
>> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
>> 'WHAT?'
>>
>> I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
>> You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
>> to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
>>
>> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
>> 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
>> you?'
>>
>> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
>> knows I'm smarter than her.
>> so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
>> have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
>> their heart.
>>
>> FOR EXAMPLE:
>>
>> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
>> the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel
>> like it, I just want you to hold me.'
>>
>> I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
>>
>> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
>> hear...
>>
>> 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
>> me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
>>
>> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
>> who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
>>
>> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
>>
>> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
>> with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
>> big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
>> on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which
>> one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new
>> shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for
>> each outfit.'
>>
>> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
>> diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
>> thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
>> testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
>> even know how to play tennis.
>>
>> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
>> was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
>> Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
>> all
>> dear, let's go to the cashier.'
>>
>> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
>> feel like it.'
>>
>> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
>> 'WHAT?'
>>
>> I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
>> You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
>> to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
>>
>> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
>> 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
>> you?'
>>
>> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
>> knows I'm smarter than her.
-
DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62178
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
Charlie! Charlie! wrote:An american tourist is outside the vatican when the pope comes out to greet the public. In the front row he sees a tramp in dirty clothes and an old hat and shoes and watches as the pope bends down and takes the time to whisper into the tramps ear.
The crowd disperses and the american offers to buy the tramps clothes for 200 dollars and returns the following day early in the morning to await the papal greeting.
As the american sits patiently, the pope finally emerges and heads straight for the tramp as he had the previous day. He slowly leans down and whispers to the american:
"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday".
LOL there! Quality.
-
BRAZILLIANT 19
- Posts: 993
- Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:40 pm
- Location: Sunny Shropshire
-
DB10GOONER
- Posts: 62178
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
Got sent this
After the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown couple of weeks it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category.
Well thanks to a friend from rural Ireland we can now simplify this all down to what makes sense and explain 21 economic models with cows. It is remarkable how much sense it all makes from this real world perspective:
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the stuffing out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
After the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown couple of weeks it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category.
Well thanks to a friend from rural Ireland we can now simplify this all down to what makes sense and explain 21 economic models with cows. It is remarkable how much sense it all makes from this real world perspective:
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the stuffing out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
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stearmaster
- Posts: 5367
- Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2007 4:00 pm
- Location: ENFIELD, N.LONDON
