Funniest "put down" or rebuke you've ever heard...

[The Joy of Cesc]

I think we're having a private off topic conversation here, Spuddy!

I'll give those two a try - bit far maybe to stagger home drunk from - we've got a small apartment on Regina Gardens.

Is that up near Universal? Don't stagger home, drive!!!! If you have red plates you can do whatever you want. Oh how I'm looking forward to red plates again

Do you know the Capital Coast place on Tombs of the Kings Road? The unfinished hotel that was unfinished for a long time, then Kouroushi Bros bought it, built another block and turned it into a timeshare place? And with it brought what seems like 50 thousand timeshare scratchcard sellers to Paphos. Regina's opposite that, back inland a tiny bit. There's a decent sized bit of waste ground in front of it that nothing ever seems to happen to.

Don't think we will have a Z Car in April - the guy in the Karlina said he had an old banger we could have for a fortnight on the cheap. He used to drive a Jag - now he's got a Merc - I hope the old banger is the Jag!

Ah yes I know where you are! The woman that does the quiz at Karlinas on a wed/thu night is a very good friend of mine. Say hello to her if you see her. her name is Janet.

Be really carful with the car because I can absolutely guarantee you he will not have any insurance for you.

You'll have to let me know what the new arrivals area is like as they've opened the new terminal at the airport now. The missus is arriving without me (lucky bitch) and a bit of knowledge would be good. It will save me getting a panic call from the airport when she gets there.

Yeah did think of that re the car, OH is a safe driver but theres every other bugger out there to worry about and some of em drive like maniacs in Paphos.

Is there anyone you don't know in Paphos, Spuddy?! I remember the lady who used to do the quizzes but she hasn't done them for a while - I'd heard she'd fallen out with the owner of Karlina. There's an older chap who's been doing the quizzes the last few times we've been there - always seemed to be someone he knew who won the snowball.

I'll certainly let you know re the new terminal at the airport - hopefuly any teething problems will be ironed out by the time I get there in early April - not long to go now!

[Wayno]

Is Cyprus worth the trip and if I go am I best booking a hotel or apartment/villa? Is it a family friendly Island or full of numptey teenage drunks. I need to take the mob away for some sun and have never really considered Cyprus as it is closer than what I usually travel.

Cheers in advance

[Ted B]

Three football supporters are growing more and more frustrated by their teams. They all decide to turn to god to try and get some relief.

So they go to church and begin praying. The first guy, an avid Everton supporter gets down on his knees, clasps his hands together and says "God! If you're out there, then please answer me this. When will Everton next win the league?" All of a sudden a stream of golden sunlight bursts through the window, engulfing the Evertonian. The light is closely followed by the sounds of a deep, booming voice. "Everton will next win the league in 2015!" The man looks pretty glum as he exits the church, shaking his head said "I'll be dead by then."

The second guy, a Tottenham supporter comes forward next. He kneels down and looks up to the roof, calling out to the heavens "God! please answer my question! When will Tottenham next win the league?" Just like before he is engulfed in sunlight. "Tottenham will next win the league in 2023!" The man leaves the church in a huff, muttering to himself as he went "well i'll be dead by then."

Finally, it is the turn of the third man, a lifelong Arsenal fan to ask his question. Following the lead of the two men before him, he knelt down and asked away. "God! You've got to let me know, when will Arsenal next win the league?" The booming voice replies immediately "Well i'll be dead by then."

:awnker:

[Ted B]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."



If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?



I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money.



"I'm a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: [email protected]"



What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.



A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I couldn't find her head."



offenensive jokes rule

[The Joy of Cesc]

Is Cyprus worth the trip and if I go am I best booking a hotel or apartment/villa? Is it a family friendly Island or full of numptey teenage drunks. I need to take the mob away for some sun and have never really considered Cyprus as it is closer than what I usually travel.

Cheers in advance

Depends which part you go to Wayno - if you want to avoid numpty teenage drunks then best avoid Ayia Napa, although each resort will attract a few of them - Paphos has Bar Street!

I'd say its probably quite family friendly, but not a particularly cheap destination, either to get to or when you're there, adopting the Euro has meant a bit of a price hike.

July and August you will cook, and it can be very humid as well. Guaranteed sunshine though.

[Wayno]

Thanks JoC, getting there is as cheap as chips for me as I will use staff travel. I certainly want sunshine so July or August is most likely time of travel. I will do a bit of research online and see what she who must be obeyed thinks. Is car hire essential, I would certainly want to see a bit of the island.

[The Joy of Cesc]

Thanks JoC, getting there is as cheap as chips for me as I will use staff travel. I certainly want sunshine so July or August is most likely time of travel. I will do a bit of research online and see what she who must be obeyed thinks. Is car hire essential, I would certainly want to see a bit of the island.

Not absolutely essential, all the major towns are linked by buses or service taxis, although it can be a lengthy business getting from one place to another. Car hire does make it easier, you can go at your own pace.

[olgitgooner]

My all-time fave put down (a bit dated now) is when somebody is in your face, for some reason.....

....and you say to him "You seem to be confusing me with somebody who DOES give a shit about your opinion".

[Wayno]

Mines a good old fashioned headbutt

[SPUDMASHER]

Wayno, If you're serious then let me know some dates and I'll sort out an apartment for you. There is one I know that is fully air con, has all facilities i.e. Washing machine microwave iron etc. (specially for the missus). It's a two minute walk from the bars but is in a very quiet area. It is about £180 a week. I also have a friend that does proper car hire and can get you one for about £15 a day.

JOC. I have a massive social network in Cyprus. Last year when we were there we held a barbecue at the villa and invited friends over. We lost track of who we had invited and about 80 people turned up. There were still plenty of faces that never made it. I think because we have quite a few ex-pat friends in Pegia they all know each other so you get to know most of them too.