"well i do nothing, just every saturday afternoon we put £50m worth of shit over the pitch and it works wonders"
Official Friday (thank Christ!) Joke Thread...
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ljungbergs_CKs
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went to white hart lane yesterday, noticed how green and lovely their pitch was so i summoned over the guy who's job it was to look after the pitch and asked him what his secret was, his reply was:
"well i do nothing, just every saturday afternoon we put £50m worth of shit over the pitch and it works wonders"
"well i do nothing, just every saturday afternoon we put £50m worth of shit over the pitch and it works wonders"
ljungbergs_CKs wrote:went to white hart lane yesterday, noticed how green and lovely their pitch was so i summoned over the guy who's job it was to look after the pitch and asked him what his secret was, his reply was:
"well i do nothing, just every saturday afternoon we put £50m worth of shit over the pitch and it works wonders"
A bloke goes out for the night and promises his girlfriend he'll be back by midnight. The drinks flew by and before he knew it, it was 2.30. Pissed, he headed home. The cuckoo clock goes off as soon as he gets in and cuckoos 3 times. He realizes his girlfriend will probably wake up, so he was proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. He fell asleep admiring his handywork. Next morning, his girlfriend asks what time he got in the night before, and he replies "Twelve". She doesnt seem bothered and this pleases him even more. She then told him they needed a new cuckoo clock. "Why?" He asks. She replies "Well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed three times, said Oh shit, cuckooed fourm ore times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."
A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my
manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
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Gooner Jim
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olgitgooner
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This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had
to ask for special permission to print it.
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomit fed daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not
seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file
them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to
that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole..
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far
more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and
go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.
Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue
to ask for special permission to print it.
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomit fed daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not
seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file
them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to
that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole..
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far
more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and
go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.
Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?
He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.
Where shall I put it to get it warm?
He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
But what about the smell?
Just hold its little nose.
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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olgitgooner
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A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his daughter out for a drive in the car.
One particular Sunday however, he was so full of cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.
They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mummy?"
"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what, we didn't see a single bastard!"
One particular Sunday however, he was so full of cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.
They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mummy?"
"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what, we didn't see a single bastard!"
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DB10GOONER
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